


Every Old Town's Just Our Past Burning Down

by whispered_story



Series: Every Old Town [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Angst, First Time, Living Together, M/M, Post-Apocalypse, Supernatural and J2 Big Bang Challenge 2013
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 19:33:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 41,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4758260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispered_story/pseuds/whispered_story
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world ends and those who survive are left with chaos; cities and towns are in ruins and there's a shortage of food and an outbreak of diseases that soon lead to panic and violence. With nothing keeping him in Texas Jensen decides to leave, wandering back roads and wilderness with no destination in mind. His path leads him to a secluded farm in Wyoming and a ragtag group of people. There, he ends up finding more than he dared to hope for: a home, friendships, and maybe even a chance at love with Jared, who Jensen is instantly drawn to even though he can't quite figure him out. [reposted, first posted on livejournal 13/6/2013]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beautiful [art](http://smalfoyblack.livejournal.com/5708.html) by [](http://smalfoyblack.livejournal.com>smalfoyblack</a>.%0A%0ATitle%20taken%20from%20Waylon%20Jennings'%20)

When the world ends, Jensen is at work, carefully going over a proposal that needs to be ready for the next day with a fine-tooth comb. 

When the world ends, he's fixing somebody else's mistakes, pissed off and wondering how it's even possible that half the department hasn't been fired yet and thinking about how he deserves to get paid at least double his current salary.

When the world ends, he's too busy to even notice at first.

It's not until the voices in the hallway outside his office get louder, take on a desperate edge, and someone starts crying, that Jensen realizes something is wrong. 

The sky outside has turned a dark, sickly shade of green, clouds piling up, spreading out over the city like a blanket. The first flash of lightning is expected, but it's not bright yellow. It's red – deep, dark red, and it reminds Jensen of blood. The storm is still a few miles away, but he can hear the distant sound of rumbling thunder now, getting closer at a speed that seems unnatural.

At first, Jensen watches through the window, unable to tear himself away. He's not sure what he's seeing, just knows he's never seen the sky like that, that this is not right.

"Jensen," someone says from the door of his office, and Jensen startles, looking up at the woman standing there. Her eyes are wide, cheeks flushed with panic. Absently, Jensen thinks he doesn't even know her name, even though he knows she's worked at the office for probably longer than he has.

"What's going on?" he asks. "What's happening?"

Her face crumples, eyes wet with tears, and she brings her hand to her lips, smearing red lipstick as she rubs her fingers over her mouth. "It's all over the news, Jensen. It's...it's all ending. The world," she says, her voice shaking, a bit awed.

For a split second, Jensen thinks she's joking, because it can't be. An apocalypse is fodder for movies and novels; it's not real. But his colleague doesn't look like she's kidding, or exaggerating. She turns around, swaying for a second before she walks away, hand still pressed against her lips. Jensen gets up, follows her, wants to call out to her and ask her what exactly she means, what she's heard.

The hallway is a mess, people rushing up and down, cells clutched to their ears. It's all a jumble – he hears _I love yous_ , and _I'll hurry_ , mixed with teary goodbyes and confessions of love. Some words he hears over and over again: fire, brimstone, apocalypse. Death.

The world is ending.

+

Jensen tries calling his parents first, then his brother, his sister, his best friends. The lines are busy. Absently Jensen thinks it's like on New Year's, too many people trying to make calls at once making the telephone network collapse. He hurries outside, hoping maybe it will make a difference, but it doesn't.

He writes texts instead, a hurried 'I love you. Be safe.' that he sends out to everyone he cares about. Standing on the sidewalk with people all around him going crazy, he prays his family will get his texts before it's too late. They know he loves them, but it suddenly becomes impossibly important that he gets to tell them one last time. Regret starts bubbling up inside him, because he's spent the last few years burying himself in work, neglected to spend time with his family because he stupidly assumed they'd always be there. That work was what mattered the most.

Outside, the air is thick, suffocating, and smelling of something Jensen has never smelled before. Fire, and sulfur, and something else, something even darker, more dangerous.

The first lightning hits one of the big office buildings a few blocks away, and Jensen can see the moment the lightning cracks right in, the earth all around them shaking and glass shattering. People scream, ducking down to avoid the glass that's falling, but Jensen watches. Watches the way the building catches fire, flames licking high and fast, like it's made out of paper. It's nothing like a normal thunderstorm.

There's another bolt of lightning, and again the ground under Jensen's feet shakes, harder now than before, and there's more glass and stones and it finally spurs Jensen into action. He's not sure where to go at first, can't think of a place that could possibly be safe, and he's not sure what makes him choose his car, but he ends up pushing against a throng of people, rounding the corner and jogging to the big corporate parking lot behind the office buildings. His truck is still there. A big, sturdy monster that Jensen has been meaning to sell to get some flashy sports car instead. He's glad now he didn't.

Inside the truck, Jensen sits still for a moment, not sure what to do now. Something big crashes down outside, and Jensen watches in horror as the first building collapses at the end of the street. It's the first of many, and Jensen just sits and watches it – the fire, the lightning, the ground shaking and rumbling like it's mad. Like earth's finally taking revenge after years and years of abuse.

Jensen waits for something to hit his truck, something to kill him, but nothing comes. He curls up in his seat, feels like he can't breathe, and just waits. He knows there's nothing he can do, no place he can go that's safe – all he can do is watch, hoping he'll make it out of this alive.

+

When it finally ends, the world around him falls almost deafeningly quiet. Quiet and empty, so empty that Jensen thinks it can't be right as he staggers out of his truck. 

If he survived, there must be others. Carefully he picks his way through debris and glass, looking around. Everything is covered in a sooty layer of ash, some buildings still burning bright.

There are a few people he finds, but they're shockingly few, and they're all stumbling around, dazed and aimless, just like Jensen. Confused, not sure what to do. 

There's a woman lying under rubble, wailing, and Jensen goes to free her, hands clawing desperately at stones. It takes what feels like forever, and there's so much blood, but Jensen keeps going. He tries to help her stand up, but she can't and Jensen knows she's not going to make it. The thought makes bile rise up in his throat. He stumbles away and falls to his knees, heaving, a few feet away.

"Oh, god," he mumbles when he finally gets up again, legs shaking. He glances back at the woman, but she's lying still now, and Jensen's heart thuds painfully.

He looks around, and it finally registers that among the rubble of collapsed buildings, there are corpses, too. 

"Sir," someone says, and Jensen turns to find a teenager standing at his side, touching his arm. She looks scared, face streaked with tears, and it really hits him then. The world has ended, and however many people have survived, Jensen is not sure if they're really the lucky ones.

+

There's a huge, deep crater, a crack splitting the ground open, and the world around Jensen is so changed that it takes him a while to figure out they're right downtown, in a place where he's been countless times. But there's nothing much left of the city he used to know.

There are a good twenty people that gather together there, setting up camp for the night.

"I heard it on the news before it hit Dallas," an older man says. "The cities that were hit before us, there's nothing much left. Someone told me everything south of us is basically gone. Every place that was hit after Dallas, too, probably. And not just here. It happened _everywhere_. I heard it hit other continents, too. The whole damn world."

"So what do we do now?" a woman around Jensen's age says. "What do we do now?"

"Find as many people as we can," another guy pipes up. "There must be more survivors than it looks like right now, people who are hiding out. There must be groups like this all over the city."

There's nodding all around. Jensen stays quiet, looks down at his suit – ruined, like everything else around him – and hopes they're right.

+

The first night is the worst. An earthquake hits the city, destroying what little is left. In the darkness of the night the shaking of the ground feels even worse than it had by day, now that they're not able to see, don't know what's happening around them.

They huddle together, for warmth, but mostly for comfort. 

By morning, the sky cracks open and it rains. It rains in a way that Jensen has never seen it rain before and doesn't stop. Jensen knows they need to get out of the city – there are dead people everywhere, and diseases will spread faster than they can blink. 

"But we don't know what's out there. It might be worse," David, one of the men in their group, says.

"Worse than what?" Jensen asks. "This? You stay here, and you're dying, man. We need shelter, water, food."

"There's shelter and water here. We'll find food, too," Miranda, a woman his mother's age, chimes in.

Jensen laughs humorlessly. "Any of the buildings that are still standing could collapse any second, and the water isn't safe, not with all the dead people littering the streets."

"He's right," Trudy, the teenager Jensen met the day before, says, but David shakes his head. They're at standstill, and in the end they split up. 

Twelve people decide to stay, eight of them leave. They gather things they might need the next day, raiding a few empty houses, and Jensen goes back to his car and gets what few things he has in there. It's not much, just a bag with gym clothes and a few knickknacks, but it feels comforting to have something that's actually _his_.

+

They don't have a destination in mind once they leave the city, and the next few weeks are spent walking aimlessly. A couple of times, Jensen ponders trying to find his family, but seeing the destruction all around him, he knows it's hopeless. They're more than likely all dead, and even if they aren't, Jensen has no idea where they might have ended up and no way of finding them. So he keeps going.

Every place they come to is just as bad as the ones they've seen before. Some cities are even worse than what Jensen saw in Dallas those first couple of days.

Their little group of people changes daily. They meet other survivors, split up into new groups wanting to head in different directions. Every time they come across someone new, stories are rehashed, news exchanged, and Jensen realizes that things are even worse than he feared. There's nothing much left of the world they once knew.

Meeting new people also gives everyone the chance to bargain, swap items for things they might need. When they come across towns, Jensen starts spending as much time looking for things he might need as he does looking for stuff he knows others might need and he can trade in. Some people still cling to things that have lost their value, their use, in this world, and Jensen tries not to feel guilty for taking advantage of those people. He trades his watch for a pair of heavy boots, a razor he picked up in a town for a pocket knife, the hundred bucks he had in his wallet for food.

He knows that most likely he'll be out here for a while, that there is no place that magically spared, where things are just like they were before.

Jensen doesn't have a plan, but he follows his gut and goes wherever feels right. Unlike him, most of the people he meets don't want to stray too far from civilization, but the more days pass, the more people become weary of cities. 

"It's chaos there," says Lydia, a woman Jensen meets on the twenty-seventh day. "People are ganging up, fighting each other. Doesn't help that people are getting sick, dropping like flies – it's making everyone panic."

"Yeah, I figured less populated areas might be safer," Jensen says, then snorts. "Though I guess everything is sparsely populated now, huh?"

Lydia's smile lacks any humor and she nods. "Guess so," she agrees. "Anyway, if I were you, I'd stick to small towns. I've seen some pretty bad stuff."

"I will," Jensen says. "Who knows, maybe I'll find a place somewhere where I can settle down."

"Good luck," Lydia says, sounding sincere, and Jensen wishes her the same when they part ways, knowing he'll probably never see her again.

+

The next day, they try one more city and run into a small group of people who are all heavily armed, and they back away as fast as they can when they find themselves eye to eye with guns and knives. 

"No more cities," Jensen says, and a few people around him agree. 

Four days later, the first person in their group gets sick. Serena is twenty, tall and skinny, and it happens fast – she's fine one day, and the next day she's coughing, wet and painful, and running a fever. She lasts two days before she dies, and shortly after, Nick, a tall, burly guy in his late thirties, starts complaining he's feeling unwell.

The fighting starts not long after that, panic setting everyone on edge. Panic about what to do, and who might be next, and about what new disaster lurks around the corner. 

There's no one in the group left from the seven other people Jensen left Dallas with, and he decides it's the right time to cut his losses. The thought of being on his own scares him, but he's beginning to think it might be safer. 

So he gathers his things, and leaves quietly. 

Jensen heads further north, makes sure to stay on back roads, and avoids cities. That day, he stops counting the days that have passed.

+

Sometimes Jensen wonders if there had been signs – something they all missed, or didn't interpret correctly because they couldn't have known just what was ahead of them.

It had stormed the night before that first storm of fire and thunder; Jensen remembers lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, while the wind kept howling around his house and rain splashed against his window.

By morning the storm had passed, though – the sky was still a deep blue, threatening more rain, but it had been silent and calm, just a barely-there breeze. Jensen hadn't thought anything of it then, but now he wonders.

But even if there had been signs, Jensen's pretty sure nobody would have guessed what they meant, what was coming. Nor would it have really mattered or changed anything – this is something nobody could have stopped, and eventually Jensen stops wondering.

This is his life now, and he doesn't want it, but he has to deal with it anyway.

+

Jensen is on his own for almost three weeks.

He lives off whatever he can find – wild berries, a couple of times mushrooms he finds and is absolutely sure aren't poisonous, and he manages to catch a rabbit twice. A couple of times he ventures into smaller towns, scrounges together whatever he can find.

It's like he's the only human being left in the world, and it feels surreal. Away from the cities, he can almost forget what happened. The destruction is everywhere, but it seems less startling when he's surrounded by nature. There are patches where whole forests have been burned down, but it doesn't look as bad as the cities that have just been wiped away, and there are areas of wilderness that look almost untouched. Fields that are just starting to turn green again in the last days of winter, trees that are still standing, rivers that are still flowing.

The weather is Jensen's biggest concern, apart from food – it's going haywire these days. Some days are almost cheerful, sunny and warm, and the next it's raining and hailing, and sometimes the changes happen so quickly Jensen doesn't see them coming. Still, gray skies are better than the green he remembers, rain more pleasant than the red lightning.

He trudges on, day by day, and sometimes he's not sure how he makes it, but he does. He doesn't know where he's going, what he's looking for, but there must be something out there, a place for him.

+

Jensen hasn't eaten more than a few handful of berries and a stale pack of peanuts – all that was left from his last quest into a town – in three days when he comes across people.

The first thing he notices is the smell of burning wood and roasting meat. It makes Jensen's stomach grumble instantly, after too many days without an actual meal. And then he hears voices, muffled and too far away for him to really make out what they're saying, but it makes his heart skip a beat.

Jensen contemplates turning around for a moment. But he's hungry, exhausted, and he's pretty sure he's not going to travel much farther if he doesn't get some food soon. He decides to take the risk. If whoever is in this forest shoots him, at least Jensen will be put out of his misery.

He keeps walking, following the murmur of voices. They quieten down suddenly, and Jensen knows they must have heard him, the heavy boots snapping twigs and rustling the leaves on the ground.

There is a clearing ahead of him, and there are only two people – a woman and a man. The guy is tall, in good shape, and he's standing in front of the woman, looking ready to fight.

Jensen quickly lifts his hands, hoping he looks non-threatening. "Sorry, sorry," he rushes out. "I'm not dangerous, I promise."

"What do you want?" the man asks, voice gruff.

Jensen halts, and glances at the fire. There's something roasting over it, and it smells so damn amazing his stomach gurgles. "I haven't really eaten in days," he says, and gives them a pleading look. "I can trade. I don't have much, but...please."

The woman steps out from behind the guy, looking him up and down. She doesn't look unkind, more pitying than anything else, and gives him a small smile, resting her hand on the guy's arm. They share a look, and finally Jensen sees the guy nod, a small, barely-there movement.

"It's okay," she says. "We've got enough for three."

"Really?" Jensen asks, hesitating. He's not about to turn down free food, especially not now. But despite everything, Jensen hasn't lost his manners completely and he feels like he should at least ask, make sure they're really both willing to share.

"I don't wanna be responsible for someone else starving to death," the woman says. "What's your name?"

"Jensen," Jensen replies. He takes off his backpack, his shoulders aching, and moves closer to the fire. "Mind if I sit?"

"No, go ahead," the woman says, beckoning him closer. "I'm Danneel; this is Jeff."

"Good to meet you," Jensen says sincerely, and sits down gratefully. "Thank you."

"No problem," Danneel says, and smiles at him again. She's pretty, Jensen notes, long auburn hair and a nice smile, and the guy – Jeff – is equally good-looking, in a ruggedly handsome kind of way that Jensen knows would have piqued his interest if he'd seen the guy just a few months before, in a bar or club maybe. 

Now, Jensen just feels tired and exhausted, and doesn't care if these people are gorgeous enough that they could have worked in Hollywood or if they're completely unattractive. All he wants is some food, and a place to sleep, and a freaking break from all of this.

He rolls his shoulders, and sighs. 

"Where are you from?" Danneel asks, obviously trying to make conversation and Jensen is kind of glad. It feels normal.

"Texas. Dallas," Jensen says. "You guys?"

"Lafayette. Jeff's from Seattle, but he was in Louisiana for, you know, the _apocalypse_ ," Danneel says, stressing the word and giving a humorless smile.

"What would you call it?" Jensen asks. "Since you obviously don't like apocalypse."

"I don't know. The day the world went to shit?" Danneel says, and Jeff cracks a smile.

"Kinda long," he says, and reaches for the meat over the fire, turning it around. 

"At least it sounds less fateful," Danneel says with an eye-roll. 

"You two been traveling together for a while?" Jensen asks, glancing at the food.

"Hmm, since day one. I saved his ass," Danneel says with a grin.

"It's true. I would have hid out god knows where, but Danneel here came running past me and pulled me into one of the houses that thankfully didn't collapse on top of us," Jeff says. "Figured I should stick with her after that."

"Smart idea, too," Danneel says, nudging Jeff. "Now, how much longer till the food is ready? Jensen over there looks ready to collapse."

Jensen doesn't argue with that, and he feels a wave of relief when Jeff decides the meat is ready and they can eat.

+

Jensen stays with them that night, sleeping curled up by the fire in the sleeping bag he nicked from an abandoned store early on. The ground is uncomfortable, but Jensen has gotten used to that. He's warm and there are other people nearby, and Jensen feels at ease in a way he hasn't in weeks. The clearing is quiet, no sounds but wind rustling through the trees and the occasional hooting of an owl. 

When Jensen was a kid, his grandpa told him a story about how hearing the hoots of an owl was a death omen in some African cultures, and Jensen remembers being terrified of owls after that. He'd gone camping with his dad once, and Jensen had spent half of the night with his hands covering his ears, until his dad had noticed and talked some sense into him.

Now the shrill ' _who, who, who_ ' is oddly comforting, reminding Jensen that the world is not completely deserted yet. 

He falls asleep thinking about that, and he sleeps soundly, not waking up until after the sun has risen.

When Danneel asks him where he's headed over breakfast, he shrugs and just says, "North," vaguely. He watches Danneel and Jeff exchange looks, a silent conversation passing between them that Jensen can't even begin to understand.

"Sounds good," Danneel finally says and gives him a smile. "Mind if we join you?"

+

In a weird way, Jensen feels like he's been adopted by Danneel and Jeff after that first day. They discuss destinations at first, deciding that their plans align and they might as well keep traveling together, but after a couple of days it becomes a given that the three of them are going to stick together. Jensen finds himself not minding that he's with other people again, because he meshes with Danneel and Jeff in a way he didn't with everyone else he met.

"Our own little fellowship," Danneel says one morning, while they're walking down a dirty, narrow path. "Kinda neat."

"Would be nice if we had lembas," Jensen replies, and Danneel gives him a fond look.

"Or if we could destroy a ring and it would solve all of our problems," she adds.

"You forget that not everyone survived the whole thing," Jeff chimes in. "And I'd rather we stay alive."

"Point," Jensen says, and looks ahead. It's an uncharacteristically hot day, the air shimmering on the horizon, and there's not even a hint of wind. "We should find a place to rest. It's probably not a wise idea to walk during the midday heat today."

"Fine by me," Danneel says, and then adds wryly, "Not like we got a place we need to get to any time soon."

"Would be nice if we had a map," Jeff says with a sigh. "At least we'd kinda know where we're going then."

Danneel falls into step beside him, and Jensen watches from a few steps behind them as Danneel brushes their arms together, nudging Jeff a little. "We'll get to wherever we're going. Might take a few detours, but we'll get there, Jeff. Give it time, okay?"

Jeff turns his head, and smiles down at Danneel in a way that makes Jensen feel like he's observing a private moment. He looks away and keeps walking silently.

+

Traveling doesn't become easier, but with Danneel and Jeff it's still better. Unlike the people Jensen traveled with before, they seem to be on the same page about avoiding cities and they fit together easily.

"Did you ever have a destination in mind, when you first left Lafayette?" he asks, sitting at yet another fire after a day of walking. 

"Nothing specific," Danneel says. "We went north originally because we thought maybe it wouldn't be quite as bad there as it was in Louisiana. We had floods there, pretty bad, so we had no choice but to leave and our only plan was to keep walking and avoid the coasts if possible."

Jensen grimaces. "Yeah, Dallas wasn't pleasant either."

"Yeah, well, no city we've come across has been. We kept checking them out at first, hoping to find something different, but we never did. It's all the same everywhere," Danneel says with a shrug. "Someone said there are camps further north, but I don't know."

Jensen stretches his legs. He distantly remembers one of the people he met in the earlier weeks saying something about camps too, but he doubts they could have known at that point. It's a possibility, though, if they don't find anything else.

"What about you?" Jeff asks.

Jensen smiles wryly. "I'm just looking for somewhere to stay. I don't know where or what," he says. "I just don't think I can keep up this nomadic lifestyle for the rest of my life."

"Would be nice, right? Settling down somewhere, not walking all day long," Danneel muses. "Know what I really want more than anything? A shower. A hot, long shower. God, I miss feeling _clean_."

Jensen laughs, runs his hand over the beard he's been growing. The razor is the one thing he sometimes regrets trading, but by now the thing would have been too dull to be of any use anyway. Still, he misses the feeling of smooth skin.

"A shower sounds amazing," he agrees. "Though I think what I want the most is a bed."

"Hmm, nice," Danneel hums. "What about you, Jeff?"

Jeff shrugs. "Would kill for a smoke," he finally says, and Danneel huffs.

"You're a moron," she says, and tries to punch him in the arm. Jeff tries to dodge her and bats her hand away, but Danneel doubles her efforts. Jensen watches them, amused. They seem comfortable around each other, fitting together, and it makes Jensen a little wistful. He's not really sure what exactly has been going on between Jeff and Danneel, but there's definitely something there. Jensen doesn't mind being alone, certainly doesn't need the complications of a relationship, but it's been lonely sometimes.

He lies awake that night, listening to Danneel and Jeff on the other side of the fire whispering to each other. They're obviously trying to keep it down, voices hushed, but Jensen finds himself not minding the steady murmur of voices in the background, lulling him to sleep.

+

It should be warmer, Jensen thinks, as he pulls at the sleeve of his jacket. The heat wave had lasted a few days, and then it had been replaced by its opposite. 

It was winter when the world ended, and it's spring now, but the sky is gray and it's windy, chilly. He trudges behind Jeff, Danneel at his side, her hair tied back to avoid getting it blown around by the wind.

"I hate this weather," Danneel mutters, echoing his thoughts. "It was freaking hot just a few days ago."

"I don't think old rules apply," Jeff says, glancing back at them. "Everything's been crazy since the storm."

"Crazy is one word for it," Jensen mutters in reply, running a hand down his face. They're walking over an open field, waist high in grass, and Jensen really hopes they find a street soon, or even a dirt path.

"There's something there, do you see that?" Danneel says, pointing, but she doesn't sound happy, and Jensen follows her line of sight.

There's an old crumbled hut made out of wooden boards that look like they're about to collapse, nothing more than a few walls without a roof. What's surprising are the crows, huge and black, circling over it. 

"They're scavengers. Looks like they found something," Jensen says. "Might be a dead animal, might be something else."

He doesn't have to say what he means by 'something else,' the idea hanging in the air between them.

"I haven't seen a dead person in weeks, since the last city we were in," Danneel says and shudders. "Let's steer clear of those crows."

"Yeah," Jeff agrees, and makes a slight turn right so they can give the hut a wide berth. "I don't think any of us wanna see that."

"Let's talk about something less depressing," Jensen says, hoisting his backpack a little higher, trying to shift the weight to get more comfortable.

"Like what?" Danneel asks. 

Jensen shrugs, trying to think of something to say that might lift up their spirits a little. He hasn't really had anything but depressing thoughts in weeks, he realizes, and that doesn't do much to make him feel lighter.

"I had an imaginary friend until I was almost out of elementary school," Jeff suddenly says and snorts. "My parents were close to despairing, didn't know what to do with me. I think eventually I just kept insisting I still believed my friend existed to annoy them."

Danneel laughs. "What?"

Jeff shrugs. "It's true. He was called Ernesto, and was Irish – which, I admit, didn't make sense, but I was a kid."

"Oh, god," Danneel says, still laughing, and Jensen smiles, meeting Jeff's eyes. 

"When I was seven I told my mom I was gonna be a princess when I grew up," he says, because it's the most ridiculous story about himself that he can think of. "I thought the idea of someone slaying a dragon to win my heart was really cool. Somehow, becoming a princess seemed the only viable option to get that."

Jeff laughs too, and Danneel nudges him. "Are you sure you didn't want a dress and a tiara?"

"Eh, maybe," Jensen replies with a shrug. "What about you, Danneel? Any embarrassing childhood stories?"

"I wrote a love letter to my teacher when I was ten or something. He always told us the coolest stories and he had a beard, and my dad had one too, so I figured that made him really awesome," she says, grinning. 

"Well, I guess you're in luck now then, cause it's gonna be hard finding a guy without a beard out here," Jensen says, and Danneel lets out an exaggerated, dreamy sigh.

"Oh, lucky me," she says, and hooks her arm through Jensen's. "So, Princess Jensen, tell me more about your childhood of waiting for a prince to sweep you off your feet."

Jensen grins to himself, and for the first time he finds himself thinking about his past without feeling a horrible stab of loss. Swapping stories from their childhood, they forget about the crows, about the world around them, and Jensen finds himself walking a little easier.

+

For almost two months their days pass without change. They get up early, walk as long as they can, always on the lookout for food and water, until they set camp in the afternoon. Jensen stops counting the times his skin is itchy from sunburn or they get caught in rain; it becomes a normal part of their lives and they become good at watching the sky, spotting storms long before they hit them. Shelter isn't always easy to find, but they make do as best as they can, and somehow they manage things.

With nothing much to do but talk to each other or watch the world around them as they walk, Jensen finds himself sharing more about himself with Danneel and Jeff than with most other people who'd ever been part of his life, and it's nice. Jeff and Danneel become more than people he travels with – they become what little normalcy, what little constant this life still has to offer.

And then, one day, their routine is broken.

They get caught in a downpour that's sudden and heavy, drenching them to the bone within what feels like seconds.

"We should find some shelter," Jeff says, voice raised to be heard over the sound of rain pelting onto the cracked, old street.

 _No shit_ , Jensen thinks, but glances dismally around. Dusk is coming fast and with the dark clouds overhead, everything looks gloomy and uninviting. There are mountains rising to their left, covered in forests, but they're at least another thirty minutes by foot in this weather, and Jensen doubts the trees are really going to give them that much more shelter. The rain's been coming down from all sides due to the wind and the forest doesn't look dense enough. Apart from that, all there is around them are fields, growing wild now with nobody there to take care of them. It's moments like this that he curses their decision to stay away from civilization – or what used to be civilization anyway. What's left of former cities might pose more dangers, but at least they could offer some shelter from the ever-changing weather.

"Let's walk a little further, see if we can find anything," Jensen suggests with a sigh. "Maybe we get lucky and find some old shack or something that's still standing."

"Good luck with that," Danneel mutters darkly next to them and ducks her head, wet hair plastered to her head. Jensen does the same, so the rain doesn't pelt right into his face. They continue their track, but it's slow and tedious. Most of the road is covered in grime and earth, and it's sludgy and slippery now, and more than once one of them almost loses their balance.

This isn't what summer is supposed to be like, Jensen thinks bitterly, but the weather hasn't been the same since the apocalypse happened. It's warmer and sunnier than it was a few months ago, but there's more rain than before and some nights are so freezing cold that Jensen, if he didn't know better, would guess it was late fall already.

Jensen is ready to admit defeat for the night and just curl up right there, hoping for the rain to stop, when he sees it – a light. It's dim, barely recognizable in the weather, and he blinks a few times until he can make something out in the distance.

"Is that a house?" he asks, pointing ahead, and realizes he's come to a halt.

Danneel and Jeff both look ahead before Jeff whistles.

"Well, fuck me," he says, voice low. "Looks like a farm."

Jensen raises a fist into the air and whoops, and Jeff grins at him, looking more relieved than anything else. 

"Guys," Danneel says, tone somber. "A light means there are people there – we don't know if that's actually a good thing."

"Worth a shot," Jeff argues. "What's the worst that could happen? They'll tell us to fuck off."

"Or shoot us," Danneel replies.

Jensen rolls his lower lip between his teeth, biting down on the chapped flesh, and shrugs. "At this point, I think I'd rather take the risk than stay out here," he admits.

Danneel sighs and looks first at him and then at Jeff. "Guess I'm outnumbered," she says, and straightens, hoisting her backpack higher. "Well, let's hope those people will take pity on us then."

Jensen claps her on the shoulder. "That's the spirit," he says, and starts walking again. With the prospect of shelter, maybe even some food, it suddenly seems easier, the rain and cold less bothersome. 

By the time they reach the farm it's almost completely dark. There's a fence surrounding the property, and over the gate there's a sign, the right side drooping down. Jeff is the first to reach it and the gate opens easily with a push, squeaking loudly.

"You guys go first. If some crazy old guy with a shotgun comes out, he can shoot you first and I can try to escape," Danneel says, crossing her arms over her chest. Jensen gives her a small, reassuring smile and reaches out to squeeze her arm.

"Try being optimistic," he says.

Danneel snorts. "Because the last few months have been going so great for us."

"For everyone," Jensen reminds her, and finally follows Jeff. Part of him understands Danneel's wariness – the last few months have taught people to be selfish, to put themselves first if they want to survive in the new world – but Jensen can't help but believe that there must still be some good people left in this world. Jensen can't give up on that hope; it's what keeps him going most days. 

They trek up the driveway to the farmhouse; it looks large and sprawling in the darkness, and from two side-by-side windows a flickering light is shining out, and Jensen assumes they must have a fireplace. The thought of sitting by a warm fire, getting warm and drying off, makes his heart ache longingly.

The porch creaks a little as he steps onto it, and he holds his breath as Jeff lifts a fist and knocks on the door.

There's nothing at first, and Jensen holds his breath. Jeff knocks again, and Jensen hears the muffled sounds of movement and then muted voices. 

"Who's there?" a voice finally asks through the door, a bit harsh. Behind Jensen, Danneel exhales loudly, her hand curling around Jensen's elbow, as if to tug him back.

Jensen clears his throat. "Hi," he starts, voice loud enough to make sure he's being heard on the other side of the door. "We're passing through and we were wondering if we could maybe get shelter here for the night. The weather's crazy."

There's a pause, and Jensen adds, "We're not gonna cause any problems or anything, really."

They wait, and then Jensen can hear the sound of chains being undone before the door creaks open. There's a blond guy standing there, holding a shot-gun half raised. Jeff, standing closest to the door, takes a couple of steps back.

The guy is glaring at them, and behind him Jensen can see a girl, looking at them with the same distrust. 

"Look," Jensen starts and takes a step forward. The guy raises the shotgun higher, and behind Jensen, Danneel hisses, "Be careful."

"We really don't want anything but shelter for the night. There's nothing around here and we could really use a place to stay – we won't be a hassle, I promise," Jensen says, trying to sound calm and reassuring.

"Why should I trust you?" the guy asks. "You'll probably kill us in our sleep and steal our stuff."

Jensen sighs when the girl suddenly turns her head, and the guy looks back over his shoulder. There are heavy footsteps coming down stairs, and then another guy appears. He's tall, _really_ tall, and his floppy brown hair is mussed up like he's been sleeping. Even cold, wet, and feeling miserable, Jensen takes a moment to appreciate the sight.

"What's going on?" the new guy asks, and there's a drawl in his sleepy voice that Jensen recognizes immediately. For a moment, the familiarity makes his heart ache, but Jensen pushes those thoughts away – thoughts of home, and family, and _before_ – and keeps his mind purposefully blank.

"These guys are looking for shelter," the blond guy mutters darkly, waving at them with his shotgun.

"Jesus, Chad, be careful with that," tall guy says, and pushes the shotgun down by the muzzle. "Let them inside."

"Are you sure?" the girl asks, shifting a little closer to the guy as if looking for protection.

"It's raining like crazy outside," the guy says and reaches out with one long arm, pushing the door further open and waving Jensen, Jeff, and Danneel inside. "Come on in."

Jensen lets out a sigh of relief and gives the guy a grateful smile as they all shuffle inside and the door falls shut behind them heavily.

Jensen never thought stepping into a house could feel this amazing, but it does. They've been traveling down back roads, setting camp outside every night, for so long now that Jensen almost forgot what it's like to be somewhere with a roof over his head, somewhere warm and dry and relatively safe.

"God, this feels good," he mutters.

"Been a while?" the tall guy guesses.

Jensen grins humorlessly. "Yeah. Too long," he says.

Tall guy nods, and looks at his friends. "I'm sure we'll have some dry clothes that might fit you, and some towels to get dry," he says. Chad finally puts the shotgun down, though he's still watching them warily and Jensen can almost feel Danneel relax.

"Thanks for letting us inside," she says. "We really appreciate the hospitality."

"No problem. You guys look like you really need it," tall guy says. "I'm Jared, by the way."

"Danneel," Danneel replies. "This is Jensen. And Jeff."

"Good to meet you guys," Jared says with a nod. "Come on, put your stuff down and we can go into the living room. We have a fire going there; bet y'all need to warm up."

"Oh, god, please," Jensen mutters, and Jared ducks his head, smiling at him before reaching out to help Danneel get her backpack off her shoulders, with a, "Here, let me help you."

It strikes Jensen how gentlemanlike the gesture is, and in this world, that rarely exists anymore. It's sweet and charming. Jensen flushes a little at the thought, turning his gaze away from Jared, and busies himself with getting his own backpack and sodden jacket off.

It's not the time to have thoughts like that – not anymore.

+

If Jensen thought stepping into the house felt amazing, it's nothing compared to sitting in front of the fireplace, on an actual couch, in a pair of dry sweats and a hoodie, a hot mug of tea held between his hands. Next to him, Danneel has her head tipped back, eyes closed, while Jeff is leaning forward, watching the fire, relaxed and calm.

Chad is still watching them warily, but Genevieve – as the girl had introduced herself when she came back with towels and clothes for them – seems to have relaxed, and there are four more people gathered around the fireplace. Two more girls – Katie and Adrianne – and two more guys – Matt and Misha. Misha looks around Jensen's age, maybe a bit older, but everyone else looks young, early twenties at the most. Jensen feels a pang of loss for them, thinking about why they're all here now, what all of them have lost. 

"So, you're traveling?" Jared asks, catching Jensen's gaze. "Going anywhere specific?"

"Away," Jensen answers wryly and then shrugs. 

"We were gonna head west, maybe," Jeff adds. "Wherever we can find some place to stay, really. We heard talk about a few camps being set up."

Jensen snorts.

"You don't think it's true?" Misha asks, perking up. He's sitting on the floor, legs crossed, watching them with an intent look, if not unfriendly.

"Oh, I'm sure there are camps and stuff," Jensen says. "I just don't think I wanna go there."

"Jensen is a bit of a pessimist," Danneel says, shifting to sit up straight, bringing her legs up onto the couch. She grins at Jensen. "Grumpy and moody, too."

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Yet, you were the one who thought we would get shot if we came here."

"We almost did," Danneel points out.

Jared chuckles. "Sorry about that again. That was just Chad being Chad."

"Hey," Chad says indignantly. "I was just being cautious!"

"Yeah, well, you don't have to almost shoot people in the process," Jared replies, and Chad huffs and mutters something. 

Jensen clears his throat. "Nothing happened," he says. "So, how long have you guys been here?"

"Chad, Matt, Gen and I have been at the farm almost since the beginning," Jared says. "After the fire and stuff, there were some pretty bad storms, but I think the mountains must have offered some shelter for the farm. A lot of the surrounding areas weren't quite as lucky; there were a few earthquakes around here and they hit some parts pretty hard – mostly everything's destroyed. I'm not sure there are many people left anywhere here. We haven't really seen anyone around in the towns and stuff, anyway."

"We were road-tripping when it happened," Genevieve chimes in. "Semester break, so we thought we'd take a few weeks and just drive around, relax. We were a few hours away from here, up in the mountains when the fire started coming down. We got lucky though – we found shelter in a cave and hid there, and a couple of weeks later we found this place, pretty unscathed."

She sounds a bit sad, but she tells the story with a sort of detachment, like it was something that happened long ago, some anecdote about their lives that hasn't been completely horrifying. He gets it – has seen it in almost everyone he's met in the past few months; everyone is repressing what happened, how horrible it was. It's the only way most people can keep going, keep functioning and not let what happened eat them alive. He can see it in these people too – the way Chad is looking pointedly at the fire while Genevieve talks, Matt is watching Genevieve with a blank expression, and Jared is looking at the floor, rubbing his hand up and down his thigh nervously. They're _college kids_ , for fuck's sake, and the thought pains Jensen.

"Adrianne, Katie, and Misha kinda came one after the other and stayed," Jared says, clearing his throat. 

"I was on my way back to college from visiting friends in Canada," Katie says. "Would have graduated a few months later. Instead I ended up stranded in Montana, just outside of Billings. I stayed there at first, but people were going crazy so I left with a couple of people. We split up when they wanted to head back after a few weeks and I found this place eventually."

"I was in Denver. I'm a nurse and I was working at a hospital there, but Denver got it pretty bad. Leaving was really the only thing you could do if you wanted to survive. I just picked going further north completely randomly," Adrianne says when Katie quiets down. Jensen feels oddly comforted hearing everyone's stories, bad as they are – they've all been through the same, more or less, and it makes his own fate seem less tragic, knowing all of them share this.

"Misha found us, what, a month ago?" Genevieve adds, looking at Misha for confirmation.

"Yeah, give or take. I'd given up my job working for a TV station a couple of weeks before everything went down, and was just backpacking through the country. Kinda just kept going after," Misha says with a shrug. "What about you guys? You knew each other before?"

Jensen shakes his head. "I met them few weeks after the fires," he says. "I was in Dallas when it happened and decided to head north, find some place safe. I heard things weren't quite as bad here as in the south."

"Jeff and I met during," Danneel adds. "We hid out in a basement together with a few other people, down in Louisiana."

"And you've been traveling ever since?" Matt asks softly, finally turning his head to look at them instead of Genevieve.

"Pretty much," Jeff says with a nod. "Stayed here and there for a couple of days, sometimes, but we've mostly been walking cross-country. Trying to avoid cities."

"Yeah, Misha told us most cities were pretty bad," Jared says, sounding curious, and Jensen realizes that if they have been here from the start they never saw all the destruction everywhere for themselves, have only been hearing stories from the others about whole cities disappearing.

"They are. Especially those where there are more than a couple handful of survivors. I've seen some pretty gruesome stuff, I can tell you. People are going crazy," he says, and he watches everyone's grim, upset expressions.

"You'd think when something like this happens, people would try to stick together, help each other out," Adrianne says. She sounds and looks resigned, and Katie places a hand on her arm. These people, Jensen realizes, they're doing it right – they've found each other in this craziness and they're supporting each other, helping each other.

"It's not that easy," Misha says with a sigh. "I mean, resources are getting fewer and fewer, and people are scared. Of starving, of diseases, mostly of other people. And they're resorting to violence."

"Well, not everyone," Jared says lightly, but resolutely, and Misha meets his eyes and nods.

"Not everyone," he agrees. He stretches a little, back popping, and yawns. "We should probably head to bed soon."

"Gotta get up bright and early and feed the animals," Jared adds cheerfully, and everyone else around him groans.

"Animals?" Jeff asks.

Jared shrugs. "Whoever owned this farm, they just up and left and didn't take much with them. There were a few chickens, a few cows, two horses, when we got here," he says. "We're trying to keep the farm running as best as we can. Supplies will only last for so long."

"You guys stumbled upon paradise," Jeff says with a smile that turns a bit sarcastic after the words have left his mouth. "At least in this world."

Jared snorts. "Guess so," he says. "Well, come on, bed time. Chad is falling asleep over there."

"Am not," Chad mumbles drowsily, and everyone laughs softly.

"You guys wouldn't happen to have a couple of spare blankets or anything?" Jensen asks. "I think all of our stuff is soaked through."

"We've got enough," Genevieve says, getting up and holding a hand out to Katie and Adrianne each. "What about beds, Jay?"

She turns to look at Jared, who looks a bit helpless. "Well, Misha has a bed to himself, so there's room there for at least one of you."

"Danneel can bunk with me and Katie. Right, Katie?" Adrianne asks. "We got the biggest bed – it'll fit the three of us easily."

Katie nods, and Chad wolf-whistles, suddenly a lot more awake. Katie reaches out and slaps him over the head, making him yelp, and Jensen chuckles.

"Okay. That's two of you," Jared says and glances at them before he looks at Genevieve. "Maybe if we squish together in our bed..."

Genevieve winces a little, but nods. "Yeah, that'll work," she says, but Jensen can tell she's lying. He suddenly wonders if maybe Jared and Genevieve are a couple, and feels a small pang of disappointment before he brushes the thought off. Jared's attractive, sure, but there are more important things than a quick romp between the sheets with some hot guy now. And they're leaving again tomorrow anyway. They will be back on the road, back to sleeping outside and worrying about where their next meal will come from, on the search for something. A place to belong.

"It's fine," Jensen says, shaking his head, because the last thing he wants is to intrude on Jared and Genevieve, whether they're a couple or not. "Jeff, you take the bed with Misha. Just give me a blanket and I can sleep somewhere on the floor. No problem."

Genevieve looks a bit relieved, and then brightens. "You can take the couch down here, right? It should be about big enough, plus you get the added bonus of the room being warm from the fire."

Jensen nods. "Works fine for me."

"Okay, great," Jared says. "We'll find you some blankets and pillows."

"Thanks, man," Jensen says with a small nod, and he suddenly can't wait. He hasn't slept on something more comfortable than the bottom layer of his sleeping bag in way too long, and he's looking forward to sleeping on an actual couch, with actual bedding again. The warmth of the fire and the tea made him feel a bit drowsy, and Jensen thinks all the exhaustion of the last months are finally catching up to him.


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen wakes up the next morning to sunlight streaming in from the windows, shining right into his face, warm and cheerful. There are noises coming from somewhere in the back of the house, muffled voices and clanking of what Jensen assumes are pots and his stomach gurgles at the thought of breakfast. 

He stretches languidly, feeling relaxed and rested, and melts back into the cushions of the couch despite his hunger. 

"Comfortable?" a voice asks, and Jensen blinks his eyes open and looks at the doorway. Jeff is leaning against the doorjamb, watching Jensen with an amused expression. 

"Man," Jensen groans and shifts into a sitting position, rolling his shoulders until they pop. "I'm not sure I ever wanna get up from this couch. I can't remember the last time anything felt so fucking amazing."

Jeff chuckles. "Yeah, sleeping in an actual bed again wasn't exactly bad either," he agrees. "Some of the others are already up and making breakfast. Porridge and actual _coffee_ , man."

"Coffee," Jensen repeats. "No fucking way."

Jeff nods. "Way," he says. "And they're even willing to share."

Jensen rolls of the couch and runs a hand through his hair, wincing when his fingers get tangled in a few knots. He wishes there was a way to get a haircut, go back to his short, neat hairstyle. Judging by the way none of the guys here have more than a light scruff, Jensen figures at least he might be able to borrow a razor and shave. Maybe one of them is even good with a pair of scissors and can cut his hair back a little, make him feel like himself again instead of the scruffy mountain man version he feels like sometimes.

"Hey," Genevieve says, suddenly popping up behind Jeff. "You guys ready for breakfast?"

"Please," Jensen says, and Genevieve smiles.

"Well, come on then. It's not much, but Misha and I are pretty decent cooks, so at least it's edible," she says. 

Jensen follows her and Jeff into the kitchen, tugging at the hoodie he slept in to straighten it out a little. The thought pops into his head that it's probably Jared's, because it's a bit too big on Jensen, and the emblem of UCLA is splashed across his chest.

In the kitchen, there's a big wooden table that's already set, and a steaming pot of porridge is sitting right in the middle. A few months ago, Jensen probably would have rather gone without breakfast than eating porridge, but now his mouth waters. 

He sits down with a cheerful, "Good morning."

Jared and Misha are the only other two already awake, and they both return the greeting a bit more subdued.

"You sleep okay on the couch?" Jared asks, and Jensen nods.

"It was awesome," he says honestly, and then sighs contently when Misha hands him a mug with steaming coffee, smelling better than anything Jensen has smelled in a long, long time.

"It's not as good as with a real coffee machine, but it's decent enough," Jared says, sounding amused.

Genevieve snorts. "Jared here used to work at the campus' coffee shop," she says. "He's a bit of an expert. Or snob, if you wanna."

"I might have been called a coffee snob once or twice in my life, too," Jensen admits. "Nothing wrong with having good taste. Though right now you could present me with the worst sludge ever and I'd gladly drink it."

"Cheers to that," Jeff agrees, lifting his mug, and Jensen toasts him silently.

The rest of breakfast passes uneventfully. Jared, Genevieve, and Misha discuss the plans for today – which mostly consist of taking care of the animals and making the rounds to check on the fence surrounding the farm's property.

"Maybe we could go hunting," Jared muses when everyone is done with breakfast. "The weather looks pretty nice today; we might get lucky and catch something."

Genevieve makes a face, but nods. "Guess so," she says.

"You don't have to come, Gen," Jared says softly. "Don't worry."

Genevieve gives him a look. "It's fine. I'd rather hunt than starve. Can't be too picky in this life anymore."

"No, guess not," Jared agrees sadly, and looks down at the remains of his breakfast.

Jensen clears his throat. "Depending on how soon we leave, Jeff and I could join. We're both pretty decent hunters – had a few months of training, and all that, and I'm a pretty good shot," he offers. "See it as a way to say thank you for letting us stay the night and for the food."

"Rifle, or bow and arrows?" Jared asks.

"You have bow and arrows?" Jensen asks, and when Jared nods, he continues, "I can shoot both. I'm probably better at handling a rifle, but I did a little archery in college once."

"Cool," Jared says and nods. "I prefer bow and arrows. Don't wanna waste any bullets, 'cause you never know when we might need those in other situations."

His words are serious, grim, and Jensen nods understandingly. 

"I'm not sure I can get anything with a bow and arrow," Jeff admits. "But I make pretty decent traps."

"Great. I'd really appreciate your help," Jared says. "Maybe we should clean up and get going soon then?"

"Sounds good to me," Jensen agrees, and gets up, gathering bowls while Genevieve gets the mugs. They do the dishes with hot water that one of them must have put on the wood-burning oven before they started having breakfast, and Jensen takes over drying the dishes before handing them to Misha to put them away.

It's so domestic, so normal, that for a moment Jensen lets himself get lost in the simple task, lets himself forget everything else.

Afterward, Misha and Genevieve head off to take care of the animals while the rest of them go get ready.

They put their clothes around the living room last night to dry, and everything that was close to the fire is dry enough to wear now. Jeff and Jensen get dressed quickly, and then Jeff goes to find if they have some tools he can use to make traps while Jensen finishes putting on his boots.

"Jensen?"

Jensen looks up to find Jared standing in the living room, looking a bit unsure.

"Hey, Jared. I'll be ready in a second," he says.

"No rush," Jared says and comes to sit on the couch. "I, uh, wanted to talk to you about something."

"Yeah?"

Jared clasps his hands together, letting them hang loosely between his knees and looks down. "You said you were in Dallas when it happened," he starts.

"I was."

"How bad was it - down in Texas, I mean?" Jared asks softly. "Misha said most cities he's seen anywhere are pretty bad off, mostly just ruins, and he heard Texas was hit pretty hard but he wasn't sure."

Jensen sits down next to Jared with a sigh, one boot still unlaced. "It wasn't pretty," he admits. "When I left Dallas, I was pretty sure I'd seen as bad as it gets, but man, in comparison to some of the other cities in the area, Dallas was one of the better places – and that's saying something."

Jared slumps, like all air is going out of him, and he nods slowly, not looking up.

"Where are you from?" Jensen asks softly.

"San Antonio," Jared says quietly.

Jensen sucks in a breath, and Jared stiffens, turning his head.

"It was bad, huh?" he asks, resigned.

"I wasn't there," Jensen says. "But I heard San Antonio got hit pretty hard, yeah."

Jared swallows thickly and nods.

"I'm sorry," Jensen says.

"It's okay," Jared replies, but his voice sounds thick and barely louder than a whisper. "I knew what your answer would be anyway."

"Still," Jensen insists.

"We all lost people we loved," Jared says. "Hell, I got lucky – my best friends are alive and safe."

Jensen smiles at him sadly, and Jared gets up with a sigh.

"Come on, let's go hunting so there's some food on the table tonight," he says, voice lighter, but Jensen doesn't need to know him well to tell it's fake. He gets up after him, wishing he could have given Jared better news. There's something about Jared, attractiveness aside, that makes Jensen feel protective of the guy even after just a day of knowing him.

+

They manage to shoot a deer, and Jensen watches the way Jared's expression twists up as he goes to check its pulse and declares it dead. Jeff is setting some traps for smaller animals, and Jensen nudges Jared aside.

"I'll gut it," he says.

"You don't – " Jared starts, but Jensen waves him off.

"It's okay, I don't mind doing it. I went hunting with my grandpa sometimes when I was younger," he says. 

Jared breathes out and nods. "Thanks," he says, softly, and Jensen pushes him away gently.

"Why don't you go check on Jeff? See where he set the traps so you'll find them again on your own the next few days," he suggests.

"Yeah, okay. Holler if you need help."

"Will do," Jensen says. He watches Jared leave before he pulls out the knife strapped around his ankle and starts the task of gutting the deer. It's not his favorite thing to do either, but he focuses on the work and gets it done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

When they get back to the farm a good hour later, Chad is standing on the porch, watching them with a frown. "Deer," he says unhappily.

"It'll make a good stew for a few days," Jared says.

Chad makes a face. "Man, I'd do anything for a burger. Or a steak," he complains. "Seriously, we have five cows in the barn, Jay-man, why can't we kill those and have decent food for at least a few days? This life is miserable enough as it is."

"Oh yeah, good idea," Jared replies, voice laced with sarcasm. "Let's kill the cows that give us milk on a daily basis for a few steaks."

"The milk's disgusting anyway. Tastes like barn," Chad mutters, and Jared rolls his eyes. 

"You know, if you have nothing better to do, you can go and start peeling potatoes for the stew, Chad," he says.

"Kiss my ass," Chad replies sweetly and flips Jared off before he saunters back into the house, Jared shaking his head at him. The banter reminds Jensen of his own friends and his heart aches a little, thinking that none of them probably made it.

He clears his throat. "Jeff and I should go find Danneel and start packing. We should get going before it gets too late," he says.

Jared looks at him, then Jeff, disappointment written all over his face, before he straightens. "You guys should stay a little longer," he says. "Come on, you shot the deer and everything, Jensen, it'd be only fair if we share it with you guys."

Jensen shares a look with Jeff, who shrugs. "If everyone here is okay with it," he says.

"Why should they mind?" Jared asks.

"Because ten people eat more than seven," Jensen replies, and Jared shrugs.

"Yeah, well four would have needed less than seven too, but we still took Misha, Katie, and Adrianne in. We have enough food for now, it's no problem," he says.

"Okay. If you're sure," Jensen agrees. "I'm sure Danneel won't mind staying in a warm, dry place for another night either."

"Great," Jared says, looking satisfied, and nods, and Jensen feels a wave of relief, knowing he'll sleep on a couch for another night, at least.

+

Jensen asks Jared about a razor later that day, and Danneel calls him vain, but Jensen feels a million times better without the rough, itchy beard. He's never minded having a beard before – it was easier and shaving was tedious – but suddenly being able to shave just because he _can_ feels like a luxury. Jeff declines when Jared asks him if he wants to borrow it as well, and Danneel makes an appreciative noise. 

All three of them are all too happy though when Jared tells them there's a small lake at the edge of the property that they've been using to bathe when it's not too cold. The water is freezing, but it feels good, refreshing, and Jensen feels clean and almost like himself for the first time in weeks when they return from their little swim.

Jeff, Jensen, and Danneel offer to help with cooking, even though none of them are particularly good in the kitchen. But they're good enough to be henchmen, and when Jensen and Jeff told Danneel that Jared offered to let them stay another night, they all agreed they should make themselves as useful as possible.

"So, how does it work around here? Is Jared the one in charge?" Jeff asks, while peeling potatoes with Genevieve. Danneel and Jensen are sitting at the table with them, Jensen peeling carrots while Danneel dices them.

"Huh?" Genevieve asks, looking up.

Jeff says with a shrug. "He seems to be the one making a lot of the decisions around here."

"Kinda. It's nothing we ever talked about," Genevieve says. "But Jared's a really good guy and smart as a whip. If there's one person I would trust with my life, it's him. He kept a clear head when all of us were freaking out those first few days and I think we all needed that. Someone to trust, to take charge. Plus, he knows what he's doing on a farm better than the rest of us 'cause his grandparents had one, so..."

She trails off with a shrug.

"Hmm," Jeff hums, and nods.

Genevieve puts down the last potato and gets up, grabbing a pot from the counter. "I'll go get water," she says before turning to Misha, who is dicing onions and garlic at the counter. "One pot's enough, right – or do we need more for something else?"

"Should be enough for now," Misha agrees. 

When Genevieve has left the room, Misha puts the knife down and looks at them. "You know, if you'd asked Jared that question, you probably would have gotten a completely different answer," he says.

Jeff raises an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Jared would probably balk at the idea of him being the boss around here," Misha says. "I thought he was, too, when I first got here, but when I said something to him about it, the guy almost freaked out. I got the impression it's not a role he wants, but it's how his friends see him so he kinda goes along with it. They look to him for any decisions that have to be made, so he makes them."

Danneel shrugs. "I don't think they mean anything bad by it," she says. "I spent most of the morning in the barn with Gen and Matt, and they all adore Jared. He really does sound like a good guy."

Jensen sighs. "He's also not much more than a kid," he points out.

"Yeah," Misha agrees and looks a bit sad. "They all are. But look at them – they've got their shit together better than most people that I've met in the last few months."

+

"It's nice here, huh?" Danneel asks casually, but Jensen can tell the question is anything but innocent. 

Everyone else is already in bed, but Danneel opted to stay in the living room a while longer, curled up with Jensen on the couch, watching the embers of the fire slowly fade. She has a mug of tea in her hand, half-empty, and Jensen studies her for a moment. She seems different – vulnerable and relaxed in a way Jensen hasn't seen her before. The Danneel he met was tough and brash, unapologetic about her determination to fight, to survive.

"Yeah, it is," Jensen agrees.

Danneel tugs her legs further under her body and nods curtly. "Have you thought about staying?" 

"I take it you have?" Jensen replies instead of answering her question.

Danneel shrugs. "You just agreed it's nice," she repeats. "There were days in the last few months I wasn't sure we'd make it. Hell, I wasn't even sure what exactly we were looking for, but I think maybe it was a place like this. Safety and – well, _people_."

Jensen lets out a breath. "Yeah, maybe," he says. "But it's not up to us. I mean, if we could I guess I would. It's a good place to be. Doesn't mean we can just invite ourselves to stay here."

"But if they offered," Danneel says. "You'd stay, right?"

"Yes," Jensen answers honestly, and feels his chest ache with how much he really means it. 

"Me, too," Danneel answers, and Jensen slides one arm around her shoulders and tugs her closer.

"Maybe we'll get lucky," he says into her hair, voice soft. "And if not, we'll keep going. We'll find some place, Danni."

"Yeah," Danneel agrees, but her voice isn't quite so sure. She sucks in a breath, and it's stuttering and painful. "I'm just so sick of not knowing where we'll sleep, if we'll have food. All of it."

"I know. Me, too," Jensen replies softly, and when Danneel sniffles quietly, he hugs her close, holds her against his chest and strokes his hand down her hair.

+

Jensen wakes up the next morning with a strand of Danneel's hair in his mouth and Jeff leaning over the back of the couch, grinning down at them. Jensen sputters, wipes the hairs away, and blinks tiredly.

"Wha'?" he asks.

"Nothing, kiddo," Jeff says good-naturedly. "I should have known the second I saw your pretty face you'd steal Danneel's attention from me. I'm just glad you are more into, what was that, dressing up as a princess and waiting for some guy on a white horse to ride in and sweep you off your feet?"

Jensen snorts and untangles himself from Danneel's arms. She makes a soft noise in her sleep, but doesn't wake up, and Jensen carefully slides off the couch.

"As if," he says. "I'm pretty sure she would have come to you if you weren't sharing your bed with another man."

"Not by choice," Jeff says. His expression sobers and he nods down at Danneel. "She okay?"

Jensen sighs. "Yeah. Just, you know, it was just one of those times."

"When everything gets too much?" Jeff guesses, and Jensen nods.

"She doesn't want to leave," he says, then adds a bit softer. "And neither do I."

Jeff nods sadly. "Yeah, the thought of leaving a warm, safe place isn't exactly thrilling to me either," he admits. "Not much we can do, though."

"No," Jensen agrees. "I really hope we'll find a place like this someday, where we can stay."

"Our own little paradise," Jeff says wistfully and smiles.

"Yeah," Jensen says. "Would be nice."

"Would be," Jeff echoes.

From the doorway, someone clears their throat, and Jensen whirls around to find Jared and Genevieve standing there.

"You guys wanna have breakfast?" Genevieve asks.

Jensen forces a smile onto his face and nods. "Yeah, sure," he says, and grabs the hoodie he's been wearing for the last couple of days from the end of the couch.

"You go ahead," Jeff says. "I'll wake Danneel up. The woman sleeps like the dead."

Jensen cringes a bit at the phrasing, but he doesn't say anything, just nods shortly and leaves to give Jeff and Danneel some privacy.

"So, you want to stay," Jared says without preamble before Jensen has even sat down at the table.

"Wha'?" Chad asks, voice muffled with food. He looks between Jared and Jensen.

"They wanna stay," Genevieve says, and takes a seat next to Chad. "I think it's a good idea."

"You do?" Jensen asks. 

"Yes," Genevieve replies, meeting his eyes across the table. "You fit in around here, and let's face it, most of us were just students before. We've been making ends meet, but I think you guys staying would be good. You and Jeff are good hunters, and Danneel worked hard enough for three yesterday. I think we could use you guys around."

"I agree," Jared says, not quite as passionately at Genevieve, but Jensen can tell he's being honest. Genevieve smiles at Jared's words, and starts filling all of their bowls with porridge.

"If you guys are sure," Jensen says hesitantly. " _All_ of you."

"Well, I'm not," Chad chimes in. 

"Chad," Jared says.

"What? I don't get a vote?" Chad asks. "I'm sorry, Jared, I know you wanna save everyone and help the world, but we can't just let anyone stay here. There's only so much room and food, and we barely know these guys."

"We let the others stay," Genevieve argues. "Where's the difference? Except that you thought Katie and Adrianne were hot."

"That's not the point," Chad says in a huff.

"Look, I don't wanna cause any trouble around here," Jensen says. 

"You're not," Genevieve says. 

Chad snorts.

Jared sighs and glares at him. "What's your deal, man? We'll ask the others and vote, okay? But frankly, I think it's pretty presumptuous to act as if we own this place," he says. "We happened to stumble upon the farm like just they did. If they want to stay here and are willing to chip in the way everyone else has, they should."

"Yeah, just take everyone in. See where it gets you," Chad says with a huff and gets up.

"Chad, c'mon," Jared calls after Chad, who almost knocks Jeff and Danneel over on his way out of the kitchen.

"What's going on?" Jeff asks.

"Nothing," Genevieve says and waves him off. "Just Chad being his usual dramatic self. You guys want something to eat?"

"God, yes," Danneel says, and flops down on the chair next to Jensen. 

"You can have mine," Jensen says and pushes his bowl of porridge over to her. "I'm not really hungry."

"Are you sure everything's okay?" Danneel asks, looking around the table.

"Yeah," Jared says. 

Jensen sighs. "Look, guys, we're not gonna stay here if it's gonna cause trouble."

"Stay?" Danneel asks, and looks at Jensen, eyebrows raised.

"We'd like you to stay," Genevieve says. "Jared and I. And I'm sure the others feel the same way."

"So you overheard our little conversation earlier," Jeff guesses.

"It doesn't matter," Jensen cuts in. "Chad obviously has issues with us staying here, so we're not."

"No. We're gonna vote democratically and that's that," Jared says resolutely. He grabs a bowl and heaps porridge onto it, sliding it across the table to Jensen. "Eat."

"Jared," Jensen starts, but Jared shakes his head.

"Look, Chad is gonna calm down. He acts like a douchebag sometimes, but it's just that he needs some time to trust people. Give him some time to get to know you," Jared says. "Now eat. Please. My grandpa always told me that you can't keep a farm running on an empty stomach."

Jensen sighs, but decides to give in. He lifts the first spoon of porridge to his mouth and ignores the way Genevieve and Danneel are trying to hide their grins.

+

Jensen's not sure why he imagined everyone would have a big council meeting, while Danneel, Jeff, and he waited outside, worried about the outcome, but he did. But when Jared comes up to him a couple of hours after breakfast and claps him on the shoulder, telling him everyone else wants them to stay, too, it feels rather anticlimactic.

"At least try to look happy," Jared says, and his voice is teasing, but Jensen can tell he's tense.

Jensen laughs, surprised. "I am," he says. "Just – it feels a bit unreal, I guess. We've been roaming the country for so long, I think we kinda stopped really expecting to find a permanent place."

"It's a good thing though, right?" Jared asks, sounding hopeful.

"It's a good thing," Jensen assures him. He's surprised when Jared leans in and hugs him, quick and loosely. 

"I'm glad," he says, stepping back. "So. Welcome."

"Thanks," Jensen says, sincerely, and Jared nods briefly.

"No problem. I gotta get back to work. Matt and I are gonna check the fences around the property," Jared says, words a little rushed and there's a hint of embarrassment in his voice that makes Jensen wonder. "I'll see you at dinner, okay?"

"Sure, man," Jensen. "Let me know if you and Matt need another hand."

"Will do," Jared says, and to Jensen's amusement, tips his imaginary hat. It takes a lot of willpower not to watch Jared walk away and let his mind wander.

+

It takes Jensen a couple of weeks to get used to their new living situation. It's still strange sometimes, after so many weeks of traveling the country, to suddenly stay in one place, to feel safe and secure.

There are times he wakes up at night and doesn't remember where he is, expects to feel hard, uncomfortable ground under his back and a sleeping bag that just barely keeps him warm. That moment when he does remember where he is, warm and comfortable and in a freaking house, is probably the single best feeling in the world.

Jensen can tell Danneel and Jeff feel the same way, slowly relaxing, getting more and more comfortable with each day that passes. They're also getting more comfortable with everyone else on the farm, with maybe the exception of Chad.

The first couple of days he makes snide remarks that eventually fade, but Jensen can tell even after a few weeks that Chad doesn't trust them, doesn't feel relaxed around them. Jensen can't really blame him – after everything that has happened, Jensen gets why some people feel wary around strangers. 

At least the others seem to feel comfortable around them. 

Jensen spends most of the time helping around wherever he's needed – working actually feels good after months just walking and having nothing to do but _think_. 

He cleans the stables, and helps out in the vegetable garden that Genevieve and Misha are trying to revive. He cleans, cooks, and goes hunting with Jared a couple more times. Danneel and he team up on a lot of their work, while Jeff and Misha have cooked up some plan to build furniture. Jensen isn't quite sure how they came up with the idea, but apparently Misha's built things before and Jeff is quite the handyman, too. The house was furnished, but it's quite obvious that there weren't _ten_ people living in it before, and the serious lack of beds and chairs shows it, so nobody tries to stop Jeff and Misha. Jensen is all too happy to take on some of their work if it means he might eventually get to sleep in a real bed again, and he quickly becomes accustomed to the farm work.

He's in the barn, where Adrianne is trying – and failing – to teach him how to milk a cow, when he hears the roar of an engine. He looks out of the open barn doors to see the truck that's been in the driveway since they arrived drive off.

"Where are they going?" he asks.

Adrianne looks up. "Supply run. I think Jared, Matt, and Katie wanted to go," she says. "We don't have a lot of gas left, and we're trying to use what's left to canvass all the towns around here, see what we can find."

"Good idea," Jensen says.

"Yeah, we've mainly been trying to stock up on whatever food we can find that's gonna keep over winter, and medicine, and then some general stuff – clothes, all the stuff you might need around the house."

"Winter's gonna be tough," Jensen says, more to himself than to Adrianne, and Adrianne winces and nods.

"Yeah, probably. But we have a better chance of making it through okay here than out there," she says, then grins. "If I can teach you how to milk a cow, we might even have that going for us."

Jensen groans. "I think I'm a hopeless case."

Adrianne nudges him. "Come on, you can do it," she says.

"We'll see," Jensen replies, unconvinced.

+

By the time Jared, Matt, and Katie return it's late afternoon and there are clouds gathering in the sky. 

"Need help unloading?" Jensen asks as he jogs over, feeling the first splatter of raindrops on his skin. "I think everyone else is busy."

"Yeah, great. We had quite a good run," Matt says and pulls the first few bags from the trunk of the truck. He passes the first few on to Jensen, and Jensen is surprised by how heavy the bags are, filled to the brim with stuff.

He turns around and almost runs into Jared, who's staring up at the sky with a worried expression.

"I don't think it's gonna be a bad storm," Jensen offers, and Jared startles.

"Huh?"

"The clouds," Jensen says. "It's gonna rain, but it doesn't look that bad. It'll probably have blown over by tomorrow."

"Yeah, probably," Jared agrees, voice a bit too soft. "Everything here been okay while we were gone?"

"Sure. Nothing special," Jensen says with a shrug, then glances at the bags in his arms. "I'm gonna get these inside before my arms start falling off."

"'Course. Sorry," Jared says, and quickly steps out of Jensen's way.

Each of them have to make two trips from the car to the house before everything is inside, and Jensen stares a bit awed at the stuff piled up on the table in the kitchen.

"Christ, you guys hit a jackpot with that town, huh?" he asks.

"Yeah," Jared says, but he doesn't sound happy, and when Jensen glances at him his expression looks completely shut down. "I don't think a lot of the people in the town survived. Found a few stores on the outskirts that still had lots of stuff."

"Right," Jensen says, and it hits him that a big loot means there's been no one around to get to the things before they did. He doesn't even want to know what Jared, Matt, and Katie saw in the town.

"How about the rest of us put this away, and you guys just go and relax?" he suggests softly. "You've done enough for today."

Katie gives him a tired, grateful smile across the kitchen and nods. "Gladly," he says. "Matt, Jay, let's go hang out in the living room. Game of cards, anyone?"

"Sure," Matt agrees, and Jared nods.

"Thanks," he says softly to Jensen, voice barely audible before following Katie out of the room.

Jensen studies the spread on the table in front of him again – there seems to be mostly non-perishable food, a big bag from a pharmacy filled to the brim, and a few bags with clothes and other odds and ends – and feels both happy and sad at the same time.

+

Just like Jensen predicted, the storm isn't bad.

Jensen finds himself lying awake on the couch that night, listening to the wind howling around the house and the steady sound of rain coming down hard, and finds himself enjoying it. It's the first real storm since the night they got here, and for the first time in months, a simple storm is nothing to worry about. He doesn't have to worry about shelter and getting sick and Jensen feels content listening to the noises from outside. He used to love storms, remembers pressing his nose against cold windows as a kid and watching the rain come down, lightning flashing across the sky and counting down until the rumbling noise of thunder came. It was thrilling, then, and he finds himself feeling a bit of the same excitement now.

By morning, the storm has passed, and while the ground is wet and muddy, it's sunny and the sky is blue, and Jensen feels happy and relaxed as he goes outside to look for eggs for breakfast, after putting on the fire in the stove in the kitchen.

Most days, he and Genevieve are the first ones up, and Jensen has come to enjoy their little routine of fixing breakfast and making idle small-talk. Genevieve is feisty and outspoken, and Jensen likes to listen to her, likes bantering while they make porridge and scrambled eggs side by side.

This morning, when he returns with a handful of eggs, it's Jared he finds in the kitchen instead of Genevieve, and he looks exhausted, like he barely slept.

"Where's Genevieve?" he asks.

"Still asleep."

"Rough night?" Jensen guesses.

Jared gives him a weak smile and nods. "Kinda."

"You're not coming down with something, are you?" Jensen asks, and barely refrains from checking Jared's forehead. He does look a bit sick, though he doesn't have the tell-tale flush of a fever.

"Nah," Jared assures him. "Just didn't sleep well."

"Hmm, why don't you go back to bed?" Jensen suggests. "Try and get a few more hours of sleep."

"There's stuff to do," Jared replies simply, and takes the eggs from Jensen's hands. He gets out a bowl and cracks the first one into it.

"The rest of us can handle it," Jensen says. "Come on, you look really beat."

"I'm okay," Jared says. "Just need some coffee, is all."

Jensen sighs, but decides not to argue. "If you're sure," he says, and gets the ground coffee beans out of the small pantry. There's not much left in the bag, and while Jensen knows there are still quite a few bags in their storage splace, he knows it's not gonna last them forever. Maybe, he thinks, he should spend some time figuring out how to grow and roast coffee beans, or otherwise the mood around the farm will most likely drop quite a bit.

He sets the coffee down and gets the tea kettle from the cupboards. "I'm gonna go get water," he says.

"'Kay," Jared agrees, and doesn't look up from beating the eggs.

Jensen wants to say something more, but he's not sure what to say. If Jared doesn't want to go back to bed, there's nothing Jensen can do about it and nagging him probably isn't going to help. He's noticed that Jared tends to do what he thinks is right, no matter what other people say to him, and more often than not 'right' seems to be whatever Jared considers to be best for the farm, for everyone else.

He's working at keeping the place going with a dedication that's admirable, but Jensen fears one day he's probably going to run himself into the ground.

Jared is a bit of a puzzle to him, really. He works hard and while Jeff's observation a few weeks back about Jared making a lot of decisions seems to be right, he doesn't strike Jensen as the kind of guy who's clamoring to dominate. He gets the impression it's just the opposite, actually – from what he's seen of Jared, he's the happiest when he can hide away with a book when there's nothing to do, and he seems to enjoy listening to the conversations going on around him more than joining in. He's almost reserved, and sometimes it's hard to reconcile that Jared with the picture his friends paint of him.

+

Danneel takes one look at Jared after he and Jensen return from an unsuccessful hunting trip that afternoon, and frowns.

"Are you sick?" she guesses, much like Jensen did a few hours earlier, and Jared shakes his head.

"Just didn't get much sleep last night. I'm fine," Jared replies.

Danneel glances at Jensen and apparently Jensen's expression must convey his dissatisfaction with Jared's state, because she sends Jared a glare. "You should go to bed then, catch some sleep," she says. "You look pretty terrible, Jared."

"Thanks," Jared replies sarcastically and grimaces. "I'm really okay. There's some stuff in the garden that we need to pick before it starts going bad."

"And there are nine other people around who can do that," Danneel assures him. "We all know how to pluck peaches off a tree and pick tomatoes without bruising them."

"Still, there's so much to do around here," Jared says. "I can sleep tonight."

"You're no good to any of us like this, Jared," Danneel replies, her tone a bit harsher, and Jared's expression falls.

"Right," he says.

"Hey," Danneel adds, voice softer, and Jensen just watches the whole exchange silently. "I didn't mean it to come out like that. I'm just worried, okay?"

"Yeah, I know," Jared says easily. "And you're right, I should go take a nap or something."

"I promise we'll take care of everything," Danneel says and reaches out to squeeze Jared's arm. "Go get some rest."

Jared nods, and looks back at Jensen a little unsure.

"Go," Jensen presses. "We'll wake you up before dinner."

"Okay. Thanks." Jared gives them a grateful look and trudges into the house, steps heavy.

"He's gonna make himself sick," Danneel says. "He never takes any breaks. I mean, we're all working a lot, but Jared just doesn't seem to know when to quit."

"Sometimes it's easier," Jensen says softly, and when Danneel gives him a questioning look, he shrugs. "Keeping yourself busy, it takes your mind off things. It's easier than having to think about everything that happened – your family, your friends."

Danneel crosses her arms over her chest, hugging her midsection. "Yeah, it is," she agrees. "I think it's part of the reason I like being here – there's stuff to do. When we were on the road, sometimes there was too much time."

"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean," Jensen agrees.

"Did I ever say thanks?" Danneel asks. "I don't think I would have made it without you and Jeff."

"I don't think any of us would have made it without each other."

"Probably not," Danneel agrees. "But I'm glad it was you and Jeff I met in this madness."

"Yeah, I'm glad, too," Jensen agrees. "How are things with you and Jeff anyway?"

"Things?" Danneel echoes, like she doesn't know what Jensen is talking about, and Jensen smirks.

"Oh please, you think I never noticed the two of you staying up at night whispering to each other or the looks you'd give each other?" 

Danneel flushes a little, and shrugs. "It's not like that. Not really, anyway," she says. "We share rooms with other people – it's hard for something like that to happen."

"Oh come on," Jensen says. "Yeah, the situation isn't ideal, but don't let it hold you back if you have feelings for each other. The world is a shitty enough place – don't deny yourself something you want, Danneel."

"We'll see," Danneel says, then shrugs. "It just seems easier this way, you know?"

"Yeah, well, when the world ended just lying down and dying seemed the easier option, too, but none of us did that and it was a good thing," Jensen counters. "Don't make me talk to Jeff about this."

"Alright," Danneel says with a soft laugh, "I won't. Now, I believe we have peaches and tomatoes to pluck."

"You do," Jensen argues. "It's actually my turn to cook, so you're on your own on this one. Maybe go find Jeff – I'm sure he'll be happy to help."

"Ass," Danneel says, rolling her eyes, but saunters off in the direction of the barn where Jensen suspects Jeff is working on furniture.

Misha, who is on cooking duty with him that afternoon, is already in the kitchen, sitting at the table. He's fiddling with something that Jensen can't see until he steps closer and peers over Misha's shoulder.

"Is that a radio?" he asks.

Misha looks up, surprised, and then grins. "Yup," he says. "It runs on batteries."

"Uh-huh," Jensen says. "And you wanna do what with that exactly? As far as I remember, any and all forms of electronic communication stopped working within a few days of the fire and the floods. There wasn't a single station still on air when I still had my car – believe me, I checked."

Misha shrugs. "Yeah, but I like to check every few weeks. Make sure, you know, that there isn't something that's popped up, someone making a station work again," he says. "You never know and one day maybe there'll be something there."

"You waiting for good news?" Jensen asks, tone a bit sarcastic, but he can't help himself. He's given up on any of those things what feels like ages ago – he's traveled enough of the country to know that there probably aren't a lot of people left. From what he heard on the radio that day, it wasn't just their continent either, it was everywhere, and Jensen has made his peace with that.

"Or bad news," Misha says, voice casual, but the idea makes Jensen swallow. He nods.

"Yeah, maybe you're right. Can't hurt," he agrees, and Misha meets his eyes, expression grim, and holds it for a second too long.

"So, cooking," he finally says, voice full of fake cheer, and puts the radio down.

+

Jeff approaches him a few days later. Jensen is skinning rabbits behind the barn, and Jeff leans against the old tractor that the others moved outside to make room in the barn. It was probably once a thing of beauty, but now it sits there, rusting away and slowly falling apart.

Jeff is silent for a moment, watching Jensen's movements, and Jensen just keeps working, waiting for him to say something.

Eventually, Jeff clears his throat. "So you think it's a good idea," he says, and Jensen glances up.

"Gotta elaborate a little," he says, and focuses on the rabbit again. His hands are sticky with blood and pieces of fur, and Jensen tries not to think about it.

"Danneel and I."

"Hmm," Jensen says, and shrugs. "You don't?"

"I don't know," Jeff says, then laughs humorlessly. "Some days the idea sounds like a disaster, other times it sounds too good to be true. I just don't know if I wanna risk it."

"I can't make that decision for you, Jeff," Jensen says honestly. "It's something you and Danneel gotta figure out – but if you want it, if you're sure there's something there, don't let fear get in the way. You know, before, I was sure I didn't need a relationship. I was sure I was the only person I needed to make myself happy, and if I ever happened to find someone I wanted to be with, well, that would have just been nice, but nothing I _needed_."

"And now?"

Jensen snorts. "Now I think I was an idiot, because I was fucking lonely. I was working and going out, but I wasn't really living," he says. "I wasn't making myself happy. I was wasting my life, and I'm not saying a relationship would have changed that, but I think most people got lost in the motions and forgot how to appreciate life. Relationships are a part of that. And now they're all we really have left – finding people we want to hold on to, making this life less miserable."

Jeff looks thoughtful, and Jensen can tell he's thinking about his words, running them through his mind. Jeff's a thinker, someone who ponders things to death, and Jensen thinks sometimes that's a blessing, but sometimes it might be his biggest flaw, too. 

"Danneel makes my life less miserable," Jeff finally says, then adds in a teasing voice, "So do you, though, and no offense, but I certainly don't want to jump your bones."

"You don't know what you're missing out on, old man," Jensen replies. He gestures at the two unskinned rabbits lying at his side. "Wanna help me with these, or are you just gonna watch me and whine about your love life?"

Jeff heaves an exaggerated sigh, but pushes away from the tractor. "She's a great woman," he says, grabbing one of the rabbits.

"She is," Jensen agrees. 

Jeff nods. "I'm scared I'll hurt her. That we'll hurt each other," he admits.

"It happens," Jensen says with a shrug. "Doesn't mean you can't also make each other happy."

"No, I guess it doesn't," Jeff says, and gives him a small smile.

+

The next few weeks pass uneventfully. Jensen has long lost count of days, but by the way the mountains behind the farm are starting to turn golden instead of lush green, Jensen guesses they're slowly nearing the end of August.

It's weird how different time seems now, how dates have become unimportant and Jensen starts measuring time in when they need to harvest what and how much longer they have before winter.

Slowly, they start from going about their everyday life to preparing for the times to come where they'll have to live off what they've stocked. They start pickling vegetables and fruit, carefully planning what best to store for the winter and what to eat now, they stock up on dry firewood, and on Jensen's suggestion they improve the fences around the property.

Jeff and Misha finish building the first bed, and it looks sturdy and nice, and when they offer it to Jensen, he's tempted for a minute. But the he thinks about Danneel, Katie, and Adrianne who probably have less space in their bed than he does on the couch and he tells them to put it in their room instead. There are a couple of old spare mattresses in the attic, and while neither of them fits perfectly in the bed, it'll do and the girls seem happy to have more space at night even if the additional bed makes the room more cramped.

Jared approaches him one day while Jensen is out chopping wood.

"Hey," he says, "Got a minute?"

"Sure," Jensen says. "What's up?"

"I was thinking we should try and store some meat away for the winter, too. There were some books on farming here, and I found some more basic ones at a library a few towns away. Or well, what was left of the library," Jared starts. "So, anyway, I've been reading up on curing food – mainly salting and smoking. I was thinking we could hunt as much as we can now and preserve some food for the winter."

"Sure thing," Jensen says. "Good idea. It'll be good to not just live on vegetables and stuff."

"Yeah," Jared agrees. "I figured Chad will kill us if there's no meat at all."

Jensen snorts. "Probably," he says. 

"Yeah. So anyway, I was thinking we could maybe go hunt a bit more regularly. Ask some of the others, too, and spread out a little," Jared suggests, and Jensen nods.

"We should ask Jeff to build a few more traps, too," he says. 

"I'll ask him later," Jared says, and then waves his hand at the pile of wood. "Need help with that? I've got some time on my hands right now."

"Sure, yeah," Jensen agrees. "There's another ax in the barn, I think?"

"I'll go get it," Jared says. 

He returns a few minutes later with the ax, and they work side by side for a while, far enough apart to not hurt each other. It's nice, having someone doing the same work right next to you, and they fall into an easy rhythm.

A few times Jensen catches Jared looking up at the mountains, and when he follows his gaze he expects to see something interesting, but there's nothing. Just mountains and blue sky, not even a bird that might be catching Jared's attention, and Jensen frowns, but doesn't ask Jared what he's looking at. They all get lost in thought sometimes, and Jensen figures Jared will come to one of them if there's something he wants to talk about.

+

Jensen would be lying if he said he hasn't sometimes wondered about Jared's sexual orientation. 

It's not so much that Jared has given him any reason to believe he might not be straight. There have been a few times Jensen thought Jared might have been looking at him in a more than casual way, but it might just as well have been innocent, and Jensen still isn't sure if Genevieve and Jared are friends or something else. The reason why Jensen wonders is because Jared's attractive and interesting and sometimes when Jensen feels lonely, his mind wanders. Wanders to _what if_ and _wouldn't it be nice_. 

It doesn't help that Jeff and Danneel seem closer these days, and Jensen is pretty sure they finally worked something out. They sit closer together than before, share secret smiles, and Jensen has noticed that they seek each other out more and more these days. And while he's happy for them, seeing them together suddenly makes longing flare up in Jensen. He misses sex, misses the feel of a hard body against his, touching and kissing and getting lost in pleasure, but more than that he misses just being close to someone, having someone to lean on to, to rely on. And the more he thinks about it, the more it is Jared that he pictures.

It still comes as somewhat of a surprise to find out that Jared is indeed into men as well. It happens one night during dinner, all of them gathered around the table.

"I noticed the name sign outside came down completely when I was checking the fence today," Matt says, taking a bite of vension.

"So?" Danneel asks, pushing the food around her plate a bit lackluster. Jensen can't blame her – deer isn't exactly his favorite thing to eat either, but it beats not having any food at all. "That thing was already coming down when we got here."

"Yeah, I just thought maybe it's time to replace it. You know, give this place a new name," Matt says.

"What would we name it?" Genevieve asks, her interest quite obviously piqued, and Jensen watches in amusement as everyone starts throwing names around. Most of them are cheesy, featuring terms like _survivors_ , and _future_ , and _post-apocalypse_.

"Since Jared's the one that found the place, we could call it Camp Jared," Chad says with a snicker when everyone has run out of ideas. "Get it, _camp_ Jared."

"Hilarious," Jared deadpans, and his voice sounds a bit forced. Jensen can see the way his knuckles are turning white, clenched around the fork.

"Oh come on, it was a joke, Jared," Chad replies. "It's not like you even –"

"Shut up, Chad," Genevieve interrupts. "Jesus."

Chad rolls his eyes, and goes back to eating, expression set. Everyone hesitates for a moment, before they turn their attention back to their own food. Jensen keeps his eyes on Jared, and gives him a reassuring smile when he catches his gaze.

"Hope," he says. He clears his throat when everyone looks at him. "I think _Hope_ would be a good place for the farm."

+

Jensen is almost asleep when he hears the soft sound of footsteps that night. He shifts, the couch squeaking softly under the weight of his body, and blinks his eyes open.

The fire hasn't quite died down yet, and in the dim light he can make out a tall, broad frame in the doorway.

"Jared," he says, voice sleepy.

"Sorry," Jared says in a hushed tone. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"'s fine," Jensen replies, and sits up. "What are you doing down here?"

"I was getting some water," Jared says, and takes a careful step into the room. "I can't sleep."

"Any particular reason why?" Jensen asks, and scoots to the side, patting the empty space next to him.

Jared looks hesitant for a moment, before he crosses the distance from the doorway to the couch and sits down gingerly. "No," he says, then shrugs. "Maybe."

"Wanna talk about it?" Jensen offers.

Jared sighs and rubs his face, before resting his elbows on his knees. He stares into the dying fire, and Jensen just watches him. He looks exhausted, upset.

"It's just...everything, I guess. Everything is fucked up and sometimes I just don't know what to do," Jared says finally, and huffs out a laugh. "It's stupid. Chad's stupid joke set me off and then I started thinking about other stuff and it just went from there, and now I can't get my brain to shut up, I guess."

"That's not stupid, Jared," Jensen replies, and carefully rests his hand on Jared's back. 

"It _is_ ," Jared insists. 

"Bullshit," Jensen counters. "We all feel that way sometimes. Do you have any idea how many nights I lie awake, thinking about stuff?"

Jared sighs and rubs at his chest, like it's hurting. "Sometimes I feel like it's all getting too much, like the walls are caving in around me, but I can't stop thinking about everything." 

"I know. What happened, that's something nobody should have to go through, ever, but we can't change it. We have to go through it, but sometimes it's tough," Jensen says. "Doesn't mean there aren't days where you just don't want to get up and face the world, where you wonder why you even keep going."

He keeps a careful eye on Jared's face as he talks, and he watches the way Jared's expression finally crumbles and he rubs at his eyes.

"You honestly feel that way sometimes?" Jared asks thickly.

Jensen snorts. "About every other day," he admits. "You don't have to be strong all the time, Jared. It's okay to break down sometimes, to not have all answers for everything."

"The others –," Jared starts, then swallows. "Sometimes I feel like Chad and Gen and Matt think I'm stronger than I really am. I'm a college kid who happens to know how to feed horses. That's it. I'm just as clueless as they are. But I don't wanna let them down. They're my best friends; they're all I have left in this world."

"I know, Jared, but it's not just the four of you anymore, okay?" Jensen murmurs. "The others leaned on you because they knew you could handle it, and you _did_ , Jared. Look at where you guys are – that's so much better than what most people have these days. But you're not alone anymore and you don't have to do this by yourself, okay? You can lean on _us_ any time you need to."

Jared squeezes his eyes shut, and Jensen can see a few tears sliding out. He slides his arm around Jared's shoulder and tugs him back. 

"It's okay," he murmurs when Jared collapses against his chest and twists around, burying his face in Jensen's neck. "It's okay now. Everything will be fine, Jared."

Jared lets out a muffled sob and just presses closer. He fists one hand in Jensen's shirt, and Jensen can feel the tears soaking through the fabric. 

He just holds him closer, strokes his hand up and down Jared's back and murmurs nonsense until Jared calms down, sobs gradually turning into small gasps and hiccups.

"Better?" he asks softly. Jared pushes away from his chest with a groan, wiping his eyes.

"God, I'm sorry," he says, clearly embarrassed. "I didn't mean to sob all over you."

"Hey, sometimes you need a good cry," Jensen replies. "It's okay, I don't mind."

Jared ducks his head. "'kay," he says. He runs a hand through his hair, pushing it away from his face. "Thank you, Jensen."

"Any time," Jensen says, holding Jared's gaze. "I mean that, okay? We're in this together."

"Yeah," Jared agrees, then snorts. "Do any of the others ever take advantage of the fact that you don't have a room and can't escape when they need someone to talk to?"

Jensen grins and shifts to get more comfortable. Jared follows him, twisting until he's sitting pressed against Jensen's side, warm and reassuring. 

"Danneel has spent a night or two down here, when she needed a shoulder to lean on," Jensen says.

"You should get a room too. Some privacy," Jared says. "Maybe once Misha and Jeff have built some new stuff we can try and shuffle things around a little, figure something out. We could empty the attic, turn it into a bedroom. It's just a storage room right now."

"I'm fine down here, Jared. And I don't mind if any of you need someone to talk to," Jensen replies.

"Are you sure?" Jared presses. "I feel bad every time we all go to sleep in actual beds and you stay down here on a ratty couch. And okay, we're all sharing those beds, but still..."

"I'm good," Jensen promises, and watches Jared fiddle with the hem of his shirt.

"Okay," he says, and for a while they sit in silence before Jared starts to shift. "Well, I should probably head to bed now. Let you get some rest. Thanks again for, you know, letting me cry and not laughing at me."

Jensen gives Jared a smile and waves him off. "No big deal," he assures. 

Jared gets up with a nod and smiles back. "Good night, Jensen."

"Night," Jensen echoes. He watches Jared leave, his figure blending into the dark shadows until Jensen can't make him out anymore. Somewhere on his way up the stairs, he must stub his toes or something because Jensen hears a dull thud and Jared cursing softly. 

Smiling to himself, Jensen lies back down and pulls the blankets up to his shoulders. He can still feel a damp spot on his shirt from Jared's tears, and it makes his stomach twist painfully thinking about it. Sometimes, he forgets how young Jared really still is, how much harder this must be for him and the others. Jeff, Danneel, Misha and he, while not that much older, at least hadn't been forced to grow up overnight. And Jared is the kind of person that just takes on all the responsibility, shoulders the weight of the world until it becomes too crushing to bear. Jensen isn't surprised it happened – he'd been waiting for Jared to break down, thinks some of the others have too, and he's glad Jared sought him out.

He makes a mental note to keep a closer eye on Jared, and the others too, and flips onto his stomach, trying to find a more comfortable position. He falls asleep with his face pressed into the pillow and a spring digging into his hipbone.


	3. Chapter 3

Things shift between him and Jared after that night. Jared seems more comfortable, more relaxed, around him, and he seeks Jensen out more and more – sometimes it's when he needs to talk to someone or wants advice, more often than not he just teams up with Jensen for work that needs to get done and talks about random stuff.

There are some nights where he stays in the living room with Jensen a bit longer after everyone has gone to sleep. They just sit on the couch side by side, fire still roaring on the cold days, and talk about anything and everything. They share stories about Texas, about Jensen's jobs and Jared's classes, their childhoods and their families. Some of the talks are downright depressing, but others have them laughing softly, trying to keep quiet so they won't wake everyone else up.

"What do you miss most about Texas? Not your family or anything like that, just...things," Jared asks one night, and Jensen slides down a little lower on the couch, tipping his head back as he ponders the thought.

"Random stuff, I guess," Jensen says. "The food. The familiarity of the people, the places. I miss hanging out at a bar with my buddies on a hot summer's day, drinking a couple of cold beers, country music playing."

"Yeah," Jared agrees softly, and sighs. "I always thought I'd go back there, after college, you know."

"Hmm." Jensen pulls the blanket a bit higher over his lap. "I went away for college, too, but I moved back home after graduation. No place ever felt like home the way Texas did."

"You think you're ever gonna go back now?" Jared asks softly, and Jensen shrugs.

"I don't know. You don't know what things are gonna be like a few years from now, but...I'm not sure. Things are different now," Jensen says, and catches Jared's eyes. He looks a bit sad, and he spreads his legs a little, lets their knees press together. They've all been feeling homesick, missing the things they left behind even if they all know those things don't exist anymore, but sometimes Jensen finds it still hard to let go of the life he used to have and he guesses the others feel the same way.

"Maybe we can go there one day, if things get better," he suggests, and Jared gives him a small smile.

"Might be nice. Someday."

"So, why you'd end up going to California for college?" Jensen asks, trying to change the subject. "Assuming those UCLA hoodies are actually yours?"

"They are," Jared confirms, then shrugs. "Seemed like a good place. And I kinda wanted to get out of Texas to be on my own for a while, grow up – see what it's like to stand on my own two feet without your family around, you know?"

"Yeah, I remember what that's like."

"It was a good choice. Tough, sometimes," Jared says, sounding thoughtful. "But I met some amazing people and, you know, figured some stuff out about myself."

Jensen hums noncommittally, but he wonders if by stuff Jared means his sexuality. "That's what college is for. Finding yourself," he says instead, and then adds, "Experimenting."

Jared meets his eyes and grins. "Yeah," he says. "I did some of that."

"Me, too," Jensen replies, and can't help but smirk. "More than some, I guess."

Jared laughs softly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Jensen says, and shrugs. "I figured out I was gay when I was still in high school, but I was too scared to really do anything about it. Plus, I wouldn't have known where to meet guys back then anyway. It was easier in college – I joined an LGBT group on campus, met some guys, started dating. The usual. Came out to my family and friends back home eventually, and most of them were pretty great about it, and it just stopped being a big deal after a while."

Talking about it, Jensen realizes that all of that seems like a distant memory now, like it wasn't really his life. In a way, he thinks maybe that's true – the person he was back then, the life he used to live, have nothing to do with who he is now. It's weird talking about, still, and Jensen can't even remember the last time he outright told someone he was gay. Most people in his life back home in Dallas had known, but for some reason Jensen hasn't told anyone about his sexuality since he left Texas. Maybe because it stopped mattering. He suspects Danneel and Jeff figured it out on their own, but Jensen never said anything.

"So you're gay," Jared says into the silence between them, and nods. "I wasn't sure – not that it really matters, but Gen was pretty sure you were. I thought maybe you and Danneel or something..."

Jensen snorts. "No," he says. "She's a great girl, but not for me. Plus, I think Jeff might have a thing or two to say about that."

"Jeff?" Jared asks, sounding and looking surprised. It's an adorable expression, and Jensen kind of wants to pat his cheeks, because Jared looks so freaking young just then. He's been like this during their late night talks, Jensen realizes then – more open, more vulnerable, letting his guard down around Jensen and the thought makes his heart swell a little.

"I'm kinda clueless sometimes, huh?" Jared asks.

"They've been keeping it on the down-low. Plus, I'm not sure how much there is to really keep on the down-low to begin with, but there's definitely something," Jensen says. "So, how about you? Were you and Gen ever more than friends?"

"Oh, no," Jared says with a shake of his head, hair falling into his face. "She's my best friend. We met at a party freshmen year, and she was completely drunk out of her mind. She and her boyfriend had just broken up. So, you know, I saw her, barely able to walk a straight line and I went over to ask if she needed any help, and somehow I ended up taking care of her. Made sure she got home safe and into bed, and somehow we stuck together after that night."

"You're a regular hero, huh?" Jensen teases, and Jared flushes, shrugging.

"Anyone would have done that."

"I'm pretty sure that's not true," Jensen counters, and then he clears his throat. "So, are you bisexual or gay? Or a straight guy who tried a few things?"

It's not exactly smooth, but Jared has been dropping enough hints.

Jared shrugs. "Bisexual, I guess," he says, and looks down at his hands. He looks embarrassed, biting down on his bottom lip. "I've only ever dated girls, but I've fooled around with guys. It was never more than that. Not that I didn't want to, you know, have a relationship with a guy, though."

"How come you never dated guys then?" Jensen asks.

"I don't know. I know at twenty-one I should have all that kinda crap figured out, but I just never had the opportunity, I guess," Jared says. Jensen is tempted to tell him there's really no age limit to figuring out you might not be completely straight, but he lets Jared talk instead, listening quietly.

"I had a girlfriend when I started college and I didn't really figure out I was into guys as well as girls until after we broke up my sophomore year," Jared continues. "It took me a while to get used to the idea of being with a guy, you know? I went on a couple of dates and fooled around with a couple of guys at parties, but then I met this girl and we dated for a few months, and after that...well, _this_ happened a few months later."

He waves his hand around vaguely, and Jensen nods.

"Kinda puts a damper on experimenting with your sexuality," he says, keeping his voice light, and Jared cracks a small smile.

"You could say that," he agrees, and meets Jensen's eyes. "It sucks. There are so many things we never got to do – all of us. Things that should have been normal. It was all just ripped away from under our feet."

"Maybe things will get better some day," Jensen says softly, and he doesn't stop himself from reaching out for Jared, brushing strands of unruly hair out of his face. "Not like before, but better. You're young, Jared, and you might not get to live the life you wanted to, but that doesn't mean the rest of our lives will be bad. Give it time and maybe you'll be surprised."

"You really think so?" Jared asks in a whisper, shifting to face Jensen.

"I hope so," Jensen answers with a shrug. "I wouldn't be here, doing this, if I didn't believe that I can have a good life. Different and maybe not as easy, but I do believe that even this life has something to offer, that I'll be happy."

"I try that, too, you know, being hopeful and all that, but I guess I'm not really good at it," Jared says, and laughs humorlessly. "Before, everyone would have told you I was the most optimistic guy on the planet. Now I just, I don't know, don't know how to feel that way anymore. I always wait for something bad to happen. I don't _feel_ like things will ever get better."

"Guess I just gotta keep reminding you then," Jensen says and gives Jared's shoulder a quick squeeze. 

Jared gives him a smile, small but genuine. "Deal," he agrees.

+

The end of summer draws close, trees slowly starting to change color and the days getting shorter.

Most of their days become centered around preparing for winter now. Their basement is slowly but steadily filled with food, and Jensen and Jared smoke and salt as much meat as they can get their hands on. Jensen only prays that it'll actually keep, but Jared seems pretty sure they're doing it right – he's painstakingly following the instructions from the book he has, checking every single step several times and making Jensen read over it, just in case. 

They use the last gas they have for one final trip to a town further up north, and Jensen tags along this time. He, Jeff, Genevieve, and Jared set out early one morning – it's Jensen's first car ride in months, and he's almost forgotten the way it feels to speed down rocky streets, have the scenery outside pass you by.

The town isn't in the best condition, but Jensen has seen worse. There are still buildings standing, at least, but everything is deadly quiet and nature is slowly encroaching here and there already, retaking what had once belonged to it anyway.

"Abandoned," Jared says with a hint of disappointment as they get out of the car and he looks around. The main road ahead of them is blocked, piled with debris and rubble, and Jared had parked the car off the side of the road, all of them agreeing that it would be easier to keep going by foot.

Jensen exhales slowly, standing close enough to Jared that their arms brush together. "It might be better this way than the alternative," he says. "People rarely mean anything good anymore, Jay."

"Yeah. It's just – I guess whenever we make these kinda trips part of me forgets that it won't be like before," Jared says, almost to himself. "That there won't be any people. That it's all just...ghost towns now."

Jensen sighs, and nods, remembers the feeling of seeing a town on the horizon, that moment of hope that maybe this one will be different. And even when he'd known the place would probably be just as empty and destroyed as all the previous ones, Jensen had felt like the wind had been knocked out of him when he stepped into empty streets, the scent of death in the air, buildings crumpled and abandoned. 

"Come on, no use in standing around moping," he says, and nudges Jared. "Let's see if we can find anything. Jeff?"

Jeff looks at him across the car. "What's the game plan?" he asks, and Jensen gives him a grin.

"Let's split up," he suggests. "Me and Jared take the right side of the town, you and Gen the left. Let's see if we can find any places still standing and meet back here."

"Losers do the dishes for a month," Jeff says, and waves Genevieve over. "Come on, we got asses to kick."

Jared chuckles softly. "Well, I guess we better get going then," he says, and Jensen nods. He pats down his side, feels the hard outline of a gun under his palm – just in case, he'd insisted before they left, and the uncomfortable look on Jared's face hadn't faded for a few minutes even though he'd agreed.

"Okay, let's see what we can find," he says. 

A lot of the buildings they pass are ruins – some burned down, others collapsed – and even those that are still standing here and there aren't in good shape. There are more blocked roads, too, and they have to clamber over debris, careful to make sure they don't get hurt. More than once they reach out for each other, steadying themselves.

Jensen does his best to keep track of where they're going, while at the same time listening to hear if there are any suspicious noises. 

"I hope the others have better luck," Jared mutters eventually, looking around at the destruction around them. He kicks a small stone with his foot, kicking up ashes and dust.

Jensen snorts. "I hope not, 'cause I hate doing dishes," he says, and Jared laughs.

They round what looks to have been a small mall at one point, completely collapsed in on itself. The sound of broken glass crunches under their boots, loud in the silence around them.

"Let's go farther right," Jensen suggests. "Maybe we have better luck a little further outside of town."

"Fine," Jared agrees with a shrug, and follows Jensen. "It's all just debris around here anyway."

Jensen wishes he had a watch to know how long they've been walking, but he'd guess they're a good half an hour away from where they parked the car when they come across a street with a good handful of houses still standing. They're decently sized, and even though the yards are overgrown, and everything looks a bit shabby, cracked windows and everything covered in soot and dirt, Jensen would guess the people who used to live here were upper-middle class. It was probably a nice neighborhood at one point.

"Jackpot," he says, and nods to the first house. "Let's go check them out. If we're lucky, they haven't been raided yet."

"Yeah, okay," Jared says, but he looks uncomfortable. "Let's just be careful."

Jensen reaches out and squeezes Jared's arm. "It doesn't look like anyone's been here in months, Jay," he assures him, and Jared nods.

The porch creeks dangerously, and the door swings open with a loud, jarring sound that has them both flinching. 

Inside the house is dark, dusty, and the smell of death hits them almost immediately, sharp and sickening.

"It could be a dead animal or something. Happens a lot," Jared reasons, and Jensen nods, keeps walking farther into the house. He tries to breathe shallowly, can tell Jared is doing the same. In the kitchen, the smell of death mingled with that of rotten food is heavy, but Jensen takes that as a good sign, because it means the house wasn't raided after the apocalypse. There's still stuff here for them to find.

The place is a mess, things in shards on the ground, furniture knocked over, but Jensen spies things here and there they can definitely use. 

"Most houses I've seen around these parts look like this," Jared tells him when they stand in the middle of what used to be the living room, surveying the damage.

"Earthquakes," Jensen guesses, and Jared nods. 

"Yeah. They weren't quite as bad where we are, but we definitely felt them and the farm was a mess when we found it too. Not like this, but stuff was knocked down, things broken."

"Well, there's still stuff around here that we can take anyway," Jensen says, and spies another door at the other end of the living room. "Let's see what that is."

He walks through the living room, careful not to slip on anything. Jared is right behind him, footsteps loud and heavy.

Jensen pushes the door open, and instantly wishes he hadn't. The stench of death is heavy in the air, a lot worse than in the other rooms, and it fills his nostrils, makes his stomach turn unpleasantly. 

"Oh, god," Jared mutters, and Jensen forces himself not to look, but he catches sight of what he thinks is an arm anyway. He staggers back and pulls the door shut with him.

He turns around, and Jared is staring at the closed door, pale and a little sick looking.

Jensen grabs his hand. "Come on, Jared, let's go," he says, and Jared forces his eyes away and nods.

"Yeah. Yeah, we've seen enough," he says.

"Let's go meet the others and get the car here unless they found something better," Jensen says, and gives Jared's hand a squeeze.

Jared squeezes back, and Jensen doesn't let go of his hand until they're outside.

"It never gets easier. I've lost count of how many dead people I've seen, but it's the same fucking feeling every time," Jared says when they step outside. 

"Yeah, it is," Jensen agrees. He blinks up at the sky, sunny and blue, and it looks so cheerful, so innocent, but Jensen could swear he can suddenly smell the reek of death all around them.

+

Jeff and Genevieve haven't found anything better, so they decide to drive to the part of town Jensen and Jared found. It takes them a while to get there, running into several road blocks they can't drive around, but finally they park in sight of the houses.

They split up, each taking one of the houses.

"Okay, right now the things we need the most are bedding, clothes, anything that can keep us warm during the winter," Jensen says before they part. "So let's keep an eye out for those things."

They all nod, and set out. Jensen picks the last house down the street, and he checks each new room with a feeling of trepidation, but to his relief there are no surprises this time. It's in a similar state like the first house – things broken and scattered around, and there's not much he finds in the rooms downstairs. In the bedrooms upstairs he's more lucky – one master bedroom, two rooms that Jensen guesses were guest rooms judging by how bare they are, and two bedrooms that obviously belonged to children, and Jensen tries very hard not to think about that while he looks through the shambles of things. He finds pillows and comforters that are still in okay shape; towels in the bathroom; clothes that can definitely still be worn. He gathers everything that looks even remotely usable.

The truck is filled to the brim by the time they're done, and Jensen feels satisfied with their haul. 

"We should have enough gas to get us home and then that's it," Jared says as they get back in the truck, and he looks a bit nervous.

"We're good," Genevieve says confidentially. "We have enough stuff to last us through the winter."

Jared starts the car, but he still looks doubtful, and Jensen studies him for a moment. "Jared," he says softly, and Jared glances at him. "We're good. We'll make it. We made a deal, remember? And I promise you things will be okay."

Jared looks at him briefly, and then nods.

Hours later, once they're back at the farm and everything they found is safely stored away, Jared pulls Jensen away. 

"What's up?" Jensen asks once they're in Jared and Genevieve's bedroom, and he looks at Jared carefully. "Are you okay?"

"I'm good," Jared says. "Just –" 

He breaks off and steps closer, engulfing Jensen into a hug. "Thank you," he says.

Jensen hugs him back, stroking his hand down the broad expanse of Jared's back. "I'm not sure what you're thanking me for, but you're welcome."

Jared steps back and looks down at Jensen. "For today. For making me feel better, for reassuring me. For holding my freaking hand at the house," he says. "I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly don't know how I ever did this whole thing without you, Jensen."

"Jared," Jensen says, voice soft. The idea of not being there for Jared, taking care of him, seems insane. As close as he is to Jeff and Danneel, Jared has become his best friend over the last few months, the person he spends the most time with and feels closest to. There's something about Jared that has drawn Jensen in since the first day. But now it's more. Different. Jared _matters_ to him in a way none of the others do.

"We don't need to get all emotional or anything," Jared quickly says, looking sheepish. "I just wanted to say thanks, tell you I really appreciated you being there for me. Really, Jensen."

"It's nothing you have to thank me for, Jared," Jensen replies. "I would do that for you anytime, because I want to be there for you, okay?"

"I just don't want you to feel like you have to. I don't want to be a burden to you."

"You're far from that, okay?" Jensen assures him and Jared smiles softly.

"Okay," he says.

+

"We should vote for a leader," Jared says that night while they're having dinner. "I've been thinking about it, and I think we should have someone who's responsible in case something happens."

There's a moment of silence at the table, and Jensen looks around, meets first Jeff's, then Misha's eyes. Neither of them looks surprised.

"Uh, Jay, there's you," Chad says.

Jared shakes his head. "No. We never _talked_ about anything like that and I think we should. This should be something all of us decide together."

"Where's this coming from?" Genevieve asks, sounding confused.

Jared shrugs. "I've been thinking about it, is all. We've been okay so far, but we're a lot more people than we were earlier this year and the next few months probably aren't going to be easy," he says. "I think it'd be a good idea if one of us was actually in charge."

"It _is_ a good idea. Jared's absolutely right," Jeff chimes in, and Jensen sees several people around the table nodding in agreement. Jensen himself is inclined to agree with them – they haven't needed anyone to step up and make decisions for all of them yet, but there haven't been any dire issues so far. But he knows that with winter around the corner, they're in for some long, hard months and he's seen enough people bashing each other's heads in over food and other resources in the prior months to last him a lifetime. 

"Well, okay," Chad says with a shrug, and Jensen can tell he's tense. "Then I vote for Jared."

"I don't want to do it," Jared cuts in, shaking his head.

"What?" Chad asks, giving Jared a puzzled look. "What do you mean, you don't wanna do it?"

"I don't _want_ to be in charge and I don't think I'm the right person for the job, either," Jared says. He looks at Jensen then, meeting his eyes, and he looks unsure. "I think Jensen should do it."

"Jensen," Chad echoes, and Jensen feels just as surprised as Chad sounds. But Jared is still looking at him, equally pleading and challenging, like he's daring Jensen to say no. Jensen just gives him a small shrug without really thinking about it, because it's _Jared_ asking and Jensen feels equally flattered and happy that Jared is standing up for himself.

"Yes," Jared says, more resolutely. "I think he's the best one for the job. He's good at taking charge, and he's fair, and responsible."

Chad turns his head and glares at Jensen. "Did you put him up to this?" he asks, sounding suspicious.

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Why would I do that?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. It just seems like you've had Jared wrapped around your little finger since the day you got here."

The accusation startles Jensen. He's never come to be Chad's friend, but he didn't think Chad's issues with him ran that deep, that he'd suspect Jensen was trying to manipulate Jared. He opens his mouth to defend himself when Jared cuts in, frowning.

"Chad, stop it," he says, and he sounds weary. "Jensen has nothing to do with this. It's just something I thought I should bring up, because we don't know what the next months are gonna be like. And I'm simply _suggesting_ Jensen, 'cause I think he'd be good at the job – if you think someone else should do it, just say so."

"Not Jensen," Chad simply says, jutting his chin out.

"That's not helping," Jared says with a sigh.

"Fine," Chad says. "Me."

Jared gives him an exasperated look, but shrugs. If they weren't discussing a serious topic right now, Jensen would probably laugh at them. As it is, he just watches them with a feeling of both dread and amusement – he knows Jared and Chad are good friends, but sometimes Jensen wonders how it happened. They're so different, and their friendship seems to be a constant power struggle, Chad pushing and Jared stubbornly remaining steadfast, exasperated at Chad's antics.

"How about Katie?" Danneel says, and gives Jensen an apologetic look. "Not that I don't think you'd be awesome at the job, but if we vote we should have some options and I think Katie'd be good."

"It's fine," Jensen says and gives her a smile. "Jeff."

"Jensen, Katie, Chad, Jeff," Misha lists, looking around the table. "Anyone else? I think four's a good number."

Everyone nods and murmurs various agreements.

"Okay," Misha says, apparently having taken over for Jared. "Then I guess everyone who thinks Jensen should do it, raise your hands."

To Jensen's surprise, everyone but Chad raises their hands. 

"Okay, I suppose we don't even need to bother with the others then," Misha says, looking around.

Chad lets out a huff, expression sour. "Oh great," he mutters.

"You okay with this, Jensen?" Jeff asks, and Jensen shrugs.

"If you guys think I should do it, yeah, sure. I'm good," he says.

"Well, of course he is," Chad says, and angrily stares down at his food. He flinches, and Jensen guesses one of the others must have kicked him under the table, but it doesn't do anything to change Chad's mood. He doesn't say another word for the rest of the meal, no matter how much Matt and Genevieve try to get him to join the conversation.

When Jensen meets Jared's eyes across the table and nods subtly at Chad, Jared just rolls his eyes and mouths, "Drama queen."

+

"So, what was that?" Jensen asks later while he's drying the last few dishes. Jared is sitting on the counter, drying a plate.

"Huh?"

"The whole voting thing you started earlier."

Jared shrugs. "Nothing. I was thinking about bringing that up for a while," he says. "Kinda since we talked a few weeks ago when, you know, I had my little break-down. I know a few of the others kinda _assumed_ I was the unofficial leader around here, but I never wanted it. And it's something everyone should get a say in – I discussed it with Misha last week and he agreed."

"Hmm, and why me?"

Jared snorts. "Are you kidding me?" he asks. "Jensen, you're the one everyone turns to lately. You're the one _I_ turn to. And the way you acted today, taking care of things – you're _good_ at taking charge. It's something you just seem to do naturally."

"Chad doesn't seem to agree," Jensen says, and Jared grimaces. "I get the feeling he kinda thinks I'm the devil."

"Nah," Jared says. "Spawn of the devil, at most."

Jensen laughs softly. "Yeah. I don't get what his problem with me is. I mean, what does he think I'm trying to do – take over the world one farm at a time?"

"Probably," Jared says, and cracks a smile. "Just ignore him. Everyone else clearly doesn't agree with him. Even Gen and Matt voted for you, and Chad is their best friend. You're the right person for the job, Jensen."

"Well, you kinda made it obvious you didn't wanna do the job," Jensen says.

Jared shrugs. "I'm not right for it, though. That's just it," he says. "I hope I didn't push you into this or anything."

"Don't worry," Jensen says. "You're right, we might need someone to hold the reins around here one day, and if everyone believes it should be me, then I don't mind doing it."

"Good," Jared says, and hops off the counter. "Jensen?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm really glad you guys found us. Things have been better with you guys around," Jared says, sounding so sincere it breaks Jensen's heart a little.

"I'm glad, too," he replies honestly. "Now, since I'm the boss around here – stop slacking off and help me with the rest of the dishes."

"Aye, aye, captain," Jared says, and he looks happier, like a weight's been lifted off his shoulders.

+

Fall introduces itself with a wave of bad weather over the next few weeks. It storms hard enough that a couple of trees get knocked down, and the wind rattles windows and doors, howling around the house loud enough that sometimes Jensen thinks it sounds more like people screaming. It rains buckets, and most days even the short trip to the barn leaves them soaked to the bone.

Jensen is glad they started preparing for the colder season earlier, because there's not much they can do now. They have a shed full of firewood that's dry, a basement full of food, and enough warm clothes and blankets to get by during the days and nights. There are still some vegetables that grow even in this weather, but it's not much and the storms ruin some of the more sensitive plants quickly.

When the rain gets too bad, they spent most of their time inside, camped in front of the fire in the living room or in the kitchen. Jensen never really realized how much people depended on electricity to keep them entertained, but now that they're without it and there are hours to be filled, it becomes startlingly obvious. There are books – a lot of them Jared gathered from towns all over during the last few months – and board games and sharing stories, but there's not much else. 

Still, Jensen would rather sit around inside feeling bored than go out. Work around the farm becomes even more excruciating. He's never in his life had any desire to work on a farm, but it hadn't been too bad during the summer, even with the days of rains and storms they had. But with fall comes three straight weeks of rain and Jensen starts hating everything about farming with a passion – he's always wet and cold, caked with mud and dirt. He's just glad that there's not much they can do with the backyard and the sprawling acres of land in weather like that. They check the fences after particularly bad storms, making sure everything holds, and take care of the animals, and that's it.

A particularly bad storm uproots a few trees outside one night, one of them crashing into the side of the barn. It's not a huge one, and the damage is minimal from what they can see, but Matt and Jensen decide to clear the tree away the next morning anyway. The buildings are old, and the longer the weight of the tree rests against the barn, the more damage it will probably do and the last thing they need right now is a barn that needs fixing.

Despite the tree's size, it's harder to move it than either of them expected. The ground is slippery with mud and it's still raining hard. 

"Let's try pushing it aside instead of pulling it away from the barn," Jensen suggests, and he has to almost yell for Matt to hear him. 

Matt rounds the tree and joins Jensen, nodding. "Okay. On three," he says, and they both push their weight against the trunk of the tree after Matt counts down. It doesn't budge at first, but then the tree tries to shift a bit.

"Okay, just a little harder," Jensen says, panting. He puts everything into it, digging his feet into the ground for purchase. He slips a little, but then he finds his footing and suddenly the tree gives away. It happens fast, the tree tipping to the side, and the abrupt loss of something to lean into coupled with the trunk knocking hard against Jensen's ankle, causes him to lose his balance. He stumbles and crashes down hard. The mud under his hands feels squishy and cold, and it takes a second for the hot white pain in his wrist to register.

"Oh fuck," Jensen hisses and pulls his hand against his chest, cradling it. He rolls onto his side, notices the dull throb of his knees, and then there's a hand on his shoulder.

"Jensen," Matt says, voice loud and worried. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Jensen grunts, and tries to blink rain out of his eyes. He tries to sit up, but the movement jars his hand and he gasps. " _Shit_."

"Doesn't sound like you're fine to me," Matt says, curling one arm around Jensen's shoulders and helping him up. "How bad is it?"

"I fell onto my wrist," Jensen grits out.

"Shit, okay. Come on, let's get you inside and let Adrianne check it out," Matt says. He helps Jensen back into the house, a steady arm around Jensen's waist.

"Adrianne! We need your help," he calls out the second they make it inside and leads Jensen into the kitchen. Jensen collapses onto a chair with a relieved sigh, pain making him a bit woozy. 

"What happened?" Adrianne asks, as Misha, Genevieve, Jeff, Katie, and Danneel come piling into the kitchen after her, and all of their eyes widen when they take in Jensen's form.

"I slipped," Jensen says. "Hurt my wrist."

"Is it bad?" Danneel asks, coming closer and touching Jensen's neck carefully. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," Jensen assures her and gives her a weak smile. "Just hurts like a bitch."

"I should let Jared know. He and Chad are out in the stable with the horses," Genevieve says.

"It's no big deal," Jensen argues.

"He's going to want to know you got hurt, Jensen," Genevieve insists softly. "I'll be back in a second, okay?"

"Alright, let me take a look at your wrist," Adrianne says, cool and composed, and kneels down in front of Jensen. She helps Jensen out of the soaked jacket, and then carefully takes Jensen's arm into her hands, peeling back the sleeve of Jensen's hoodie. Jensen winces, but holds still.

"Can someone get me the first aid kit? See if we have some ice-spray, and get me bandages and stuff," Adrianne says, looking briefly over her shoulder, before turning her attention back to Jensen. 

His wrist looks swollen, a bruise already forming, and Adrianne touches the area around it carefully, checking it from all sides.

"Doesn't seem to be broken," she finally says. "Sprained, most likely."

Jensen breathes a sigh of relief. "Good."

"I'm gonna wrap it up and you shouldn't use your hand for a few days, and then we'll see how it looks and feels," Adrianne continues. She looks up when there's a sudden bang of the front of door, followed by hurried, heavy footsteps and Jared bursts into the room.

His eyes are wide, panicked, and he's soaking wet. He looks around the room before his gaze settles on Jensen.

"What happened?" he asks, voice choked. "Are you okay?"

"Just a sprained wrist. Relax."

"I would have told you it wasn't bad," Genevieve says, appearing behind Jared with a huff. "But you shot out of the barn like it was on fire before I could get another word in edgewise."

"You said Jensen was hurt," Jared says, voice pained.

"Hey. I'm okay," Jensen tells him in a tone that he hopes is comforting. Jared still looks freaked out, but he nods and his posture loses some of its tension.

"Just a sprain?" he repeats Jensen's earlier words.

"Yup. Adrianne is gonna patch me up and then I'm gonna need to clean up, and I'll be good as new before you know it."

"Okay," Jared says hesitantly, before letting out a deep breath. "I'll heat up some water for you, so you can bathe."

"Nah, a bucket will do," Jensen tells him, knowing that preparing a bath one kettle and pot of water at a time is tedious. It's one of the worst things about summer being over – the lake is too cold for bathing now and the one tub they have and have to fill by hand isn't exactly ideal for ten people.

Jared looks like he wants to protest, but Genevieve tugs at his arm. "Come on. Let's get Jensen some water, and you better take off those shoes before you trudge mud through the whole house," she says.

Jensen gives her a small smile, and then leans back in the chair, relaxing while he watches Adrianne fix him up.

+

After a bit of protest and because Danneel threatens to force the pills down Jensen's throat if he doesn't take them voluntarily, Jensen agrees to take some painkillers that night. Jared offers to switch places with him so he can sleep in a bed, but Jensen turns him down politely. The couch might not be as comfortable as a bed, but Jensen has gotten used to it and his injury isn't nearly as bad as everyone acts like it is.

He's just settled down when he hears footsteps coming down the stairs. Jensen is familiar enough with everyone by now to guess that it's Jared, and he smiles when Jared indeed appears in the doorway moments later.

"I was getting water," he says sheepishly, and Jensen knows he's lying. He's used the excuse enough times when he was upset and needed to talk. "Thought I'd pop in and ask if you needed anything else for the night? Something to drink or more pillows or something?"

"I'm good."

"Okay," Jared says, but doesn't make a move to leave. "Are you sure?"

He sounds young, scared, and Jensen sits up. "Come here," he says, beckoning Jared closer.

Jared hurries over. "Do you need help with something?" he asks.

"No," Jensen says, and pats the couch next to him. "Just sit down with me."

Jared sits down with him and Jensen shifts to pull his comforter over both of them. The fire isn't more than a few small flames licking around burned logs of wood, and the temperature in the room has already considerably cooled down.

"What's up with you?" Jensen asks, trying to sound casual.

"Nothing," Jared replies.

"Really? Cause you seem to be freaking out over a sprained wrist."

Jared doesn't reply for a moment, and his breathing is loud in the quiet room, ragged. His expression is shuttered, and Jensen can tell he's trying hold it together.

"Jared," he murmurs.

"It could have been worse," Jared says, voice thick.

"I _slipped_ in the mud," Jensen replies and worms his arm around Jared's waist, pulling him closer.

"I didn't know that at first. Gen just told me you were hurt and –," Jared halts and takes a deep breath. "I had all the scenarios running around in my head, about what was wrong with you."

"I'm sorry you got upset, Jay. But I'm really okay. Nothing happened."

"This time. What about next time? What about if something bad does happen and you – _one_ of you guys gets hurt? There are no doctors or hospitals and there's nothing we could do," Jared rushes out, and it sounds like he's about to cry. "I couldn't take losing anyone else. You. I couldn't take losing _you_ , Jensen."

Jensen curls his arm tighter around Jared and pulls him in so he's resting against him. He settles his hurt hand carefully on Jared's shoulder and strokes his other hand up and down Jared's side softly. 

"I'm not going anywhere anytime soon if I have any say in it, okay?" he murmurs, and lets his lips brush against Jared's hairline. "I'm right here, Jay."

"Promise," Jared says between gasps of breath that sound wet and painful. "I know you can't, but promise me you won't ever go away, Jensen."

"I promise," Jensen replies in a whisper. His fingers brush against skin where Jared's shirt and sweats meet, and on a whim, he slides his hand under the fabric, settling against the smooth, warm skin of Jared's waist. Jared presses closer against him, slides his own arms around Jensen. He might be taller, but he feels oddly small in Jensen's arms, their bodies slotting together perfectly.

"I'm sorry I scared you," Jensen murmurs, and Jared nods against his shoulder. 

They stay like that for a while, curled together under the comforter, and finally Jensen can feel Jared relax, breathing evening out. He thinks it's probably his cue to move, make sure Jared gets back to his room, his bed, but he finds himself not wanting to let go of Jared. Wants Jared to stay there, on the couch, with him. There's a line there he thinks they might be about to cross, if Jared stays, and Jensen is not sure if it's the right thing to do – in this life, in this moment – but he finds himself wanting it.

For a moment, he hesitates and then he shifts, jostling Jared a little. "Come on, let's lie down. It'll be more comfortable," he says softly.

Jared moves, makes a soft sleepy noise, and pulls back. He peers at Jensen, and then bites down on his lip. "You want me to stay?"

"If you want to," Jensen offers.

"Think we'll fit?"

"We'll make it fit," Jensen replies, and Jared nods.

They shuffle around until they're lying pressed together, Jared curled up against him with his face against Jensen's neck and his arm thrown over Jensen's waist. Jensen's own arm is still securely around Jared, holding him close.

"Thanks, Jensen," Jared murmurs, and Jensen feels the press of lips against his neck. He smiles to himself.

"Anytime, Jared," he replies softly, and turns further onto his side, chest to chest with Jared.

Jared falls asleep quickly, and Jensen lies awake. It seems like an eternity since Jensen fell asleep holding someone in his arms like this, even longer since it was someone he actually cared for this much. Jared smells and feels familiar, and Jensen realizes how used he's gotten to having Jared around without even noticing. There's barely enough room for them on the couch, but instead of being annoying, Jared's weight against him is comforting, and Jensen feels his heart swell with something he hasn't felt for another guy in a while. 

He wants this, wants Jared, and the thought is surprisingly reassuring rather than scary.

+

There's a moment of confusion when Jensen wakes up, before he remembers the night before, remembers that _Jared_ is asleep on the couch with him.

It's early, the light outside a dim, murky gray, and Jensen pulls the comforter higher to ward of the chill of the room, shuffles closer to Jared's warm body under the covers. Jared is facing him, still asleep, and Jensen takes a moment to study him. His face is slack, lips parted, and he looks young, innocent in a way he rarely does when he's awake.

Jensen hesitates for a moment, but then he reaches out and strokes strands of unruly hair out of Jared's eyes. His hair is getting long, and Jensen combs through it, tugging it behind Jared's ear. 

Unlike Jensen, who begged and pleaded until Danneel agreed to cut his hair a few weeks after they arrived here – and a couple of times since, all the while teasing Jensen about being vain – Jared hasn't bothered with getting his cut. It was quite a bit shorter when they came here, and now it's all thick and floppy, and Jensen lets it slide through his fingers, carefully working his way through the knots and tangles.

"Hmm," Jared mutters, and scrunches up his face a little. Jensen cups his face, strokes his finger over his cheek.

"Jared," he murmurs, and Jared blinks his eyes open blearily, looking confused.

"Wha'?" he asks, voice husky and thick with sleep.

Jensen's not sure why he woke him up, doesn't think there was any conscious thought behind the action. They're lying face to face, barely any space between them, and Jensen closes the distance between them without a word. 

Jared doesn't respond at first, but he doesn't try to pull away either. Jensen moves his lips against Jared a bit more insistently, coaxing, and finally Jared kisses him back. His lips part under Jensen, sweet and pliant, and with a soft sigh his tongue meets Jensen's.

"Okay?" Jensen asks when he pulls back, thumb still stroking over skin.

Jared leans into the touch, his hand coming up to curl around Jensen's wrist. "More than okay," he answers, and smiles. Smiles in a way Jensen is sure he's never seen him smile, dimples carved deep in his cheeks and eyes sparkling and happy. 

"You should smile more often," Jensen murmurs, and traces his thumb down one of Jared's dimples.

"Been a while since any of us had a reason to," Jared mumbles, and Jensen kisses him again, sweet and soft.

"I've kinda been wanting to do that for a while," Jared admits when they pull away again. "I just wasn't sure if you'd be interested."

"I am," Jensen says. 

"And you think it's a good idea?" Jared asks.

Jensen sighs and stops the movement of his finger, simply rests his hand on Jared's cheek and searches his eyes. "I told Danneel not too long ago to go after Jeff, because she shouldn't deny herself a chance at happiness. Not when there's so little else in this life that still really makes us happy. So, yes, I guess I do believe it's a good idea, even if it does scare me," he says. "I'm not saying this lightly, Jared, okay? If we do this, we do this all the way, because it's not worth the drama if this is just about having some fun. But if it's more than that, then I think this could be good – for both of us."

"It isn't just fun for me," Jared says. "I just don't know the first about being with guys. And then there's everyone else; I don't want to mess things up here at the house."

"I can't guarantee that things will work out," Jensen replies. "I'm not saying the thought of things going bad between us doesn't scare me, but it's a risk I'm willing to take."

"Yeah?" Jared asks, sounding hopeful, and Jensen gives him a small smile. He leans in and brushes their lips together briefly.

"We'll figure it out together, okay? If you want to."

Jared rolls his lower lip between his teeth and nods. "Okay," he replies.

+

It's like a flip has been switched after their kiss, and all Jensen can think about for the rest of the day is Jared. Genevieve makes a few teasing comments about Jared not sleeping in their room that night over breakfast, but Jared brushes her off. A few of the others exchange knowing looks and when Danneel raises her eyebrow at him in question, Jensen just smiles.

He might have been aware of how attractive Jared is, but he suddenly realizes he never really let himself look, let himself entertain the idea of being with Jared. Now, he lets his gaze linger on Jared, gets himself lost in watching Jared for a few moments here and there, and it's like he's finally really seeing him. Finally lets himself think about how incredibly tall, and built, and gorgeous Jared is, and all Jensen wants to do is spread him out on a bed and touch and kiss every inch of his body.

He's glad when night finally rolls around and everyone starts to head off to bed.

Matt and Katie are the last to go upstairs, and Jared looks a bit flustered when he tells them he's going to stay with Jensen a little longer because he wanted to talk to him about something. It's freaking adorable, watching him blunder through saying goodnight.

"Smooth," Jensen teases when Katie and Matt are finally upstairs.

"Shut up," Jared mutters, standing by the couch like he doesn't know what to do now that they're alone.

"Jared, Gen's the only one who even knows about this morning," Jensen says, and reaches forward with his good hand, tugging on Jared's shirt. "Don't think about the others and what they might think. For now, it's just you and me, okay? That's all that matters."

"Yeah," Jared agrees, and lets Jensen pull him forward. He settles one knee on either side of Jensen's hips, and Jensen grins up at him, tugs him down until Jared ends up sprawled on top of him.

"Just us," Jensen repeats in a soft murmur and kisses Jared. It reminds Jensen of being a teenager, necking with someone on his parents' couch, and he runs his uninjured hand lazily down Jared's back, the other hand lying carefully hooked around Jared's neck. His fingers search for the hem of Jared's shirt, seeking out skin. When he finds it, it's hot and smooth, and he happily maps out Jared's back, letting himself enjoy the feel, the simple pleasure of finally touching someone so intimately again.

Jared shifts, resting more weight on top of Jensen, pressing him down into the cushions of the couch. Jensen can feel the hard outline of Jared's dick, and the fact that Jared's so turned on from simply kissing makes want pool in Jensen's stomach, sudden and urgent. He arches up, seeking friction, kissing Jared harder, deeper.

"Fuck," Jared mutters when he wrenches his lips away. He kisses along Jensen's jaw, sloppy and eager, and grinds down against Jensen. 

"Jensen," he murmurs, and then breathier again, "Jensen."

"Yeah, yeah, come on," Jensen replies, and presses his lips to whatever inch of skin he can reach. His hand slides down, cupping Jared's ass, small and firm, and rocks up against Jared. He's fully hard now too, can feel his cock leaking pre-come already, and he knows it's not gonna take them long.

Jared lets out a choked off moan, and Jensen worms his fingers between them, quickly undoing Jared's belt and jeans. It's not easy with one hand, and it takes him a while to pop the button of Jared's jeans through the hole. He pushes the jeans down as far as their position allows them, and then quickly undoes his own. 

"Lift up, baby," he murmurs, and Jared makes a protesting noise, but lifts his hips, gives Jensen enough room to push his own jeans down mid-thigh before he tugs Jared back down.

"Oh, god," Jared mutters when they grind back together, two thin layers of cotton the only thing between them.

"Yeah, come on," Jensen urges, and angles his head to catch Jared's lips in another kiss, sloppy and dirty. His hand goes back around Jared, and he slides it down Jared's boxers, grasping his ass and squeezing.

Jared lets out a whine against his lips, and Jensen only hums in return, licking his way into Jared's mouth. He kneads Jared's ass, pressing their bodies together as best as he can, and seconds later he feels Jared tense, swallows his moans.

He shifts a little, trying to get a better angle for himself, and rubs himself against Jared, feeling wetness from Jared's orgasm seeping through his own underwear. It's fucking hot, and Jared buries his face in his neck, making small, helpless noises.

Jensen comes with a grunt, his whole body shaking with pleasure.

Afterward, in the silence of the room, Jensen listens to both of them still panting, and runs his good hand slowly, calmingly up and down Jared's back. Breathing isn't easy with Jared sprawled out on top of him, completely boneless, and eventually Jensen feels the urge to move.

"Come on, Jay, let's get more comfortable and get under the comforter," he suggests, and Jared sluggishly pushes up, rolling of Jensen. 

Jensen feels a giddy sense of happiness when he sees Jared's face in the light of the fire. His expression is slack, face damp with sweat and flushed. Jensen leans in and kisses him, before sitting up to get undressed.

Jared watches him lazily, eyes half-closed, and lets out a weak whoop when Jensen pushes down his boxers and cleans himself up as best as he can.

"Oh shut up, you," Jensen says without heat, and goes to his backpack. Since he doesn't have his own room, Jensen keeps all his belongings in there, and he rifles around until he finds a pair of underwear and pulls them on.

"Want a new pair of boxers, or are you gonna sleep in your own spunk?" Jensen asks teasingly, and Jared grunts.

He stretches on the couch and yawns. "Can I sleep here?"

Jensen snorts. "Well, I'm not letting you sleep in someone else's bed like that."

"Jealous?" Jared asks, sounding pleased at the thought, and Jensen tosses a pair of boxers at his face. 

"Get changed or you're not sleeping here with me."

"Whatever," Jared replies, but he complies. They crawl under the comforter together, shifting around until they're comfortable, and Jensen kisses Jared again, slow and languid.

"Night," he finally says softly, pressing a final kiss to Jared's lips, and Jared gives him a tired smile, burrowing closer. Jensen holds him close, and feels at peace in a way he hasn't in a long time, long before the world around him came crashing down.

+

With just one hand usable, there's not a lot to do for Jensen around the farm the next few days. He pitches in wherever he can, but there isn't much he can do that the others won't get done faster without him interfering.

Jensen spends most of the time curled up on the couch, reading a book he nicked from Jared. Jared sneaks into the living room between odd jobs here and there, and steals kisses, and Jensen finds himself really not minding that at all. 

He likes kissing Jared, but even more than that, he likes the way Jared _smiles_ whenever they do. It makes him realize how seldom he's really seen Jared smile until now, how much Jared has really kept to himself.


	4. Chapter 4

After all the rain they've had, a few dry days come like a blessing. It's not exactly sunny, but at least the sky is not one solid mass of gray and after being cooped up in the house for weeks, everyone seems to be more than happy to take the opportunity to spend time outside.

Matt and Jared decide to take the horses for a ride and check the fences while they're at it, while some of the others decide to head to the backyard, Genevieve armed with a book on vegetable gardens and what can be planted in colder weather.

It's a quiet day, mostly, and Jensen enjoys the weather out on the porch with a blanket and a book. He looks up when he hears the sound of the horses approaching, ready to greet Jared and Matt, when he sees they're not alone. There's a man with them.

Jensen tenses, and his first instinct is to go inside and get a weapon in case they need to protect themselves, but Jared and Matt look relaxed, guiding the horses by the reins.

Jensen stands up, and goes to meet them, eyebrows raised in question.

"Hey," Jared calls when they're close enough and raises his hand in a wave. 

"Hey," Jensen replies, and nods at the third man. He's older than any of them, late forties maybe, looking tired but relaxed, wearing a long coat, heavy boots and a big backpack.

"Jensen, this is Henry," Jared introduces. "He's passing through."

"Passing through?" Jensen echoes, but goes to shake the man's hand.

"Yeah," the man says. "Your friends offered me to fill up my canteens and maybe get a little food."

Jensen wants to agree, give him some water and food and send him on his way, but it's not just his decision and he still remembers what it's like to travel and not have a roof over your head. "You can stay the night if you're looking for a place to rest," he offers.

"Oh, no worries. I've got places to be," Henry replies with a smile. "Today is a good day, so I might as well try and make it as far as I can before the weather changes again."

Jensen frowns. "Anywhere special you're trying to get?" he asks.

"West," Henry answers. "I heard there might be a camp or two there. A place to start over, you know."

"I heard about camps," Jensen says with a nod. "Not sure it's true. Not sure I want to know, either."

Henry laughs, deep and throaty. "Can't blame you. That was my reaction at first, too," he admits. "But I've been hearing things. Good things."

"Well, then, good luck. I hope you'll find what you're looking for," Jensen says and turns to Matt. "Matt, why don't you go see if you can find some food while we show Henry where our well is."

"You think it's true?" Jared asks, half an hour later when Henry leaves, restocked with supplies. Jensen watches the man get smaller in the distance and shrugs.

"There's been talk about camps from the beginning," he says. "You never know what's true about them and what's not. Even if there are camps, I doubt they'll have an easier time getting through the winter than we do."

Jared wraps his arms around his midsection and frowns. "Yeah, probably," he agrees. "I just miss it sometimes. A more normal life. People."

"Yeah," Jensen agrees sadly, and Jared shuffles a little closer.

"Other times, though, I'm not sure I'd want to leave here if given the choice," he adds. "We've got a good thing going here."

Jensen turns his face towards Jared and smiles. "We do," he says, and reaches out, running his hand down Jared's back, hooking it in the back pocket of Jared's jeans for a moment. He's pretty sure none of the others are around to see them, but even if they are, Jensen finds himself not caring. Unless Jared asks him to, Jensen has no plans to hide this thing between them from the others.

+

Jared sleeps squished next to Jensen on the couch now. It's nice to share his space with someone else, to be physical with someone again. Jensen hasn't been in a serious relationship in a few years, but he's never really gone long without a fling here and there, and he missed this, being able to touch someone so freely, falling asleep with someone else breathing next to you, waking up and sharing lazy, sweet kisses.

Still, Jensen knows they can't sleep on the couch together permanently – it's not made for two people to sleep on, especially not people their size. His back is starting to ache from the weird positions they've been sleeping in the last few nights, and Jensen doubts Jared is faring much better. And as much as Jensen didn't mind having no privacy before, he longs for it now that things between him and Jared are progressing.

"Genevieve offered to switch places with you, but..." Jared starts when Jensen brings it up after a few days. He's watching Jared clean up the cow barn, perched on the edge of a trough because Jared refuses to let him help even though Adrianne told him he can start using his hand carefully again.

"No way. We're not kicking Gen out of her room," Jensen says, and Jared looks relieved.

"I told her the same thing," he says. "I guess I could go back to sleeping upstairs. Maybe we shouldn't rush things anyway."

Jensen shrugs, tugging his coat a little tighter around him. It's too big on him, probably used to belong to someone who was more than a little bit heavier than Jensen, but it's warm.

"Just for a bit," Jared adds. "Jeff and Misha are still building a bed for you, right?"

"Yeah," Jensen says with a shrug. "I think."

"Okay, see. We'll talk to them and meanwhile we can start cleaning up the attic, making room."

"The attic is gonna be pretty cold in winter," Jensen says.

Jared frowns. "We have plenty of blankets and each other. It'll be okay."

Jensen gives him a smile. "Sounds like a plan then," he concedes. "So no more shared nights on the couch?"

"I didn't say no more," Jared protests. "Just...a few less. I see the way you stretch every morning because your back is getting fucked up."

"Busted," Jensen admits and gets up. He goes up to Jared and pulls him into a quick kiss. "I'll see if I can help the others inside or something. I feel useless sitting here, watching you."

"Okay. I'll see you later," Jared says, sounding a little bit disappointed. Jensen kisses him again, hard and bruising, before breaking away.

He pulls Jeff aside later that day when they're both in the kitchen, and asks him about the bed. 

"Sick of the couch?" Jeff asks.

"I'm not as young as I used to be," Jensen says dryly, and then shrugs. 

"And Jared's kinda tall," Jeff adds, giving him an amused smile.

Jensen blows out a breath. "He is."

"You're not nearly as subtle as you would like to believe, Jensen," Jeff replies with a grin. 

"I wasn't trying to be subtle, to be honest," Jensen replies, and Jeff chuckles.

"Give us a couple of weeks and we should have your bed done. We already have most of the pieces together."

"Great," Jensen says. "I really appreciate it."

"No problem," Jeff says easily and gives him a wink. "Glad that worked out for you, kiddo."

+

It starts raining again two days later, and Jared decides now is as good a time as ever for them to start cleaning out the attic to make room for themselves. Genevieve offers to help, and the three of them end up standing between boxes and old furniture, the small windows barely letting in enough light.

"We just put everything we didn't need up here," Jared says, and runs a thoughtful hand over a box. "It felt wrong to throw stuff out that wasn't ours."

Jensen presses up against Jared's side, offering what silent comfort he can, and looks around. "So, what do we do with it now?" he asks.

"Barn?" Genevieve suggests. "There's really nothing up here we need. We brought all the furniture we could use down – most of what's left up here is either broken, useless, or just personal knickknacks."

"Okay," Jensen says. "I guess it would be enough if we just cleared enough space for a bed and so we can move around comfortably. We don't need the whole room."

"Are you sure?" Genevieve asks. "You wanna live between boxes and stuff?"

Jensen snorts. "I've been living on a couch. Doesn't make a difference to me, as long as I have a place to sleep."

"Yeah, but now you're gonna, you know, live _with_ someone," Genevieve says pointedly, and Jared coughs uncomfortably.

"It's fine, Gen," Jared says. "Jensen is right. We're gonna be up here to sleep, that's it. Let's try to be practical – we can put everything that's definitely not of use to us in the barn and keep things we might need one day up here."

"If that's what you guys want," Genevieve says with a shrug. "I just thought you guys might want your room to be a bit nicer."

"We're good," Jensen says. "Okay, what's barn and what's attic?"

"All the boxes over here are personal stuff we packed up," Jared says, waving to one side. "There's some stuff from a nursery or something over there. We might keep that?"

There's a moment of silence, before Genevieve says, "Not sure it'll ever come in handy, but I guess we might keep it."

"Cause bringing a child into this world would be such a great idea," Jensen snarks, but then he claps his hands together. "Okay, let's get started."

He grabs one of the boxes, watches Genevieve and Jared do the same, and makes his way downstairs behind Jared, careful to not let the surprisingly heavy box slip from his fingers.

It takes them longer than Jensen thought it would to clear a good part of the attic, but they get it done. The room looks bigger without all the clutter, and part of Jensen wishes it didn't because the bigger the room, the harder it'll be to keep it warm during the winter, and the roof doesn't offer perfect insulation either. But it'll do – his own little corner in the house, a place where he can have some privacy, where he can go when he wants to be on his own. 

"I'll leave you two alone," Genevieve says quietly, nodding at Jared who is standing by the window, looking outside at the sky.

Jensen gives her a nod and waits until she's left before he joins Jared. He slides his arms around Jared's waist and kisses his neck.

"Storm's coming," Jared says, and his tone is off. Jensen looks outside past his shoulder, out the dirty, dusty window. 

"Probably looks worse because of the grime covering the window," he says, and Jared shrugs, the movement quick and jerky against Jensen's chest.

"Jared," he says carefully. "It's just a storm."

"That's what I thought the first time, you know," Jared says softly and twists around in Jensen's arms. His expression is shuttered, eyes cast down. He looks _scared_. Jensen has seen this expression on him before, every time the weather outside turns bad, and it's taken him until now to figure it out.

"Jared. It's not like before, okay?" he murmurs, and lifts Jared's chin with his fingers, trying to catch Jared's eyes. "I know you're scared, and believe me, we all are, but you can't do this."

"Do what?" Jared asks, and there's so much pain on his face that Jensen's chest aches in sympathy.

"Live in constant fear."

"But it could happen again," Jared replies, and Jensen finds himself unable to argue with that. 

"Yeah," he admits. "And if it does, we still won't be able to control it. We won't be able to stop it. Watching the sky all day long isn't going to change anything – by the time it hit Dallas, people knew what was happening and it didn't help them. You can't _prepare_ for this kinda thing."

"So what do we do?" Jared asks.

"We live our lives. I don't know about you, but I plan to make the most of whatever time I have," Jensen replies, looking up at Jared. 

Jared looks thoughtful, but then he nods reluctantly.

Jensen pulls him into a kiss. There's a hard, desperate edge to it, Jared kissing him back headily, and Jensen lets him. He hopes if nothing else, he can offer Jared a distraction, a little comfort.

+

"I can't wait for spring," Danneel says with a groan, slicing kale. "There's only so much cabbage a person can take before they go crazy."

"It's not even winter yet," Jensen reminds her. He grabs another potato to peel, and Danneel sighs.

"Still," she says. "I never before realized how boring eating only seasonal stuff is. God, remember grocery stores and going in there and being able to just pick whatever you wanted, regardless of what season it was? Or whether it was something that could grow locally or not?"

Jensen snorts. "If that's our biggest problem now, we're good," he says, and Danneel slumps.

"Well, it sounded less depressing than: _hey, remember when we didn't have to worry about surviving the winter_?" she says.

"We'll be fine," Jensen assures her. "We have plenty of food, we're dry and warm--"

"-ish," Danneel interrupts. "Winters are gonna be tough without heating."

"We'll manage. People survived winters before heating existed, so we can, too," Jensen says, and nudges Danneel. "Stop being so negative."

"Sometimes I can't help it," Danneel admits, and shrugs. "But you're right. Compared to what we had a few months ago, we're doing fine now."

"We are," Jensen agrees.

"Hmm, it's weird though. Sometimes I have these moments where I just think _this, here, that's our normal life now_ , and I still can't believe it," Danneel gestures around the kitchen with her knife, and Jensen smiles.

"Yeah, I have those moments, too. But then I think that, you know, it's not a bad life. I'm happy," he says. His smile widens when he hears a commotion from the living room, thumping and clattering, and then Genevieve squeals.

"Matt, put me down!" she yells, voice high and full of laughter, and Jensen glances in the general direction even though there's a wall separating them. He can't hear the rest of what Genevieve says, just hears the general muffled tone of her voice, and then there's a booming laugh that Jensen recognizes instantly. Jared.

Jensen ducks his head, smiling to himself, and goes back to peeling potatoes.

"You're freaking adorable," Danneel says, voice teasing, and Jensen pushes her lightly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he says stubbornly.

"Hmm," Danneel replies, grinning at him. It hits Jensen then how truly good their situation is – he's been saying it lightly for months, because they have a place to be and they're not out there, fighting for their lives anymore, but it's more than that. This, here, has become about more than surviving. It's friendships, family – there's bickering and fighting, but now there's also laughter and teasing and companionship.

"Know what would be good with this?" Danneel asks, ripping him from his thoughts. "Bacon."

Jensen looks at the pile of cabbage and potatoes and groans. "Shut up," he replies, and Danneel laughs.

+

"Hey, Jensen!" Jeff calls out, waving at him from the open door of the barn. "We got something for you!"

Jensen jogs over. "The bed?" he guesses, and Jeff nods.

"Help us carry the pieces into the attic, and we'll put it together," he says, and leads Jensen to the back of the barn where he and Misha put up their little work booth. There are boards of different sizes leaning against one of the barn's beams, and Jensen can make out a headboard. The wood is smooth and even.

"Fuck, this looks great," Jensen says, running a hand down one of the boards.

"It's nothing fancy," Jeff says. "But it's sturdy."

"Hmm, it's prefect," Jensen says and laughs softly. "Man, I've been okay on the couch but I can't wait to sleep in an actual bed again."

"Sure sleeping is the first thing you plan on doing in that bed?" Misha asks, appearing from behind them with a canteen. He takes a sip, before handing it to Jeff, who's smirking.

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Get your mind out of the gutter," he says.

Misha shrugs. "Hey, you got yourself a young, healthy boyfriend," he says. "Figured he might like getting you to himself, finally, in a bed big enough for two people."

Jensen pushes Misha with his shoulder. "We're not talking about me and Jared," he says, warningly. 

"Well, come on then," Jeff says, clapping him on the shoulder. "Let's get into the house."

Jensen grabs the piece closest to him, surprised by how heavy the wood is, and hefts it up. He might not want to talk about it with Misha, but he's right – having his own bed, and the possibility of having Jared in that bed with him, certainly brings up a few thoughts that are less than innocent. 

Jared has spent most nights lately in his room, and they haven't been doing much together. Ten people sharing one house doesn't leave them with a lot of opportunities to be alone, and Jensen doesn't really want to rub everyone's noses in the fact that he and Jared are more than friends. A couple of nights Jared snuck downstairs and crawled onto the couch with him, and as satisfying as it had been to have Jared pressed against him, fumbling and grinding together until they came, Jensen wants more. He wants to be able to take his time, to not have to worry about someone walking in on them.

+

The attic is a lot colder than the living room, and Jensen has gathered comforters and blankets the others don't need after Jeff and Misha put the bed together. All of it is lying in a big heap on the bed now, messy and mismatched, but Jensen hopes it'll be enough to fend off the coldness for the next few months.

Half of the room is still packed with stuff, but the other half is cleared off, and along with the bed, there's a dresser standing a few inches off the wall so it fits with the slate of the roof. It's old and a bit crooked, but Jensen has one backpack of belongings and a few random clothes he's accumulated in the last few months. He doesn't need much more. There's a mirror with a wide crack sitting on the dresser, and a bowl with a razor. 

He's putting the last of his clothes away when the hatch opens with a creak and Jared pokes his head in.

"Hey, I heard you finally moved in up here," he says, climbing up the rest of the way. He lets the hatch fall shut with a dull thud and looks around the room. "Nice."

Jensen laughs. "Yeah, a suite at a five-star hotel has nothing on this," he says, voice snarky but light. "The dusty old furniture over there and the creaking floorboards add an especially nice touch to it, don't you think?"

Jared grins, and goes to sit on the bed. The piles of blankets sink under his weight, and the bed creaks a little when Jared lies back on it with a groan. The mattress is old, and a bit musty from being in storage for a while, but Jensen already tested the bed out and it's more comfortable than the couch.

"Hmm, I think the fact that there's a bed big enough for _two_ adds an especially nice touch to it," Jared replies.

Jensen drops the shirt he was folding into the open drawer and rounds the bed. He climbs on top of Jared, straddling him, and leans over him with one hand on either side of his body. "Not gonna argue with that," he murmurs. "Especially now that you're in it."

He dips down and kisses Jared before Jared can reply, deep and slow. Jared parts his lips under his, and Jensen pushes his tongue into his hot, wet mouth, lets it slide against Jared's, and makes a deep, appreciative sound in the back of his throat.

When he breaks the kiss, Jared chases his mouth with a low whine, head lifting off the pillows. He lets it flop back when Jensen sits up, hair fanning out around him, and looks displeased.

Jensen studies him for a moment and then reaches out, combing his fingers through Jared's hair. "It's getting long."

Jared shrugs. "Yeah, probably need a haircut," he says, looking self-conscious.

"Nah," Jensen says. "I like it long. Looks good on you."

"Yeah?"

Jensen nods and shifts a little to arrange his weight better on top of Jared. "Could probably make a ponytail or something," he says lightly. He leans forward, using both his hands to comb Jared's hair back from his face.

"I think I might have to. It keeps getting in the way when I do stuff."

Jensen cocks his head to the side and studies Jared, trying to imagine Jared's hair tied back. "It would look good," he decides.

"I have a big forehead," Jared replies with a grimace, and Jensen chuckles.

"I like your forehead," he murmurs. Leaning down, he kisses Jared's forehead, then his nose. "Your forehead, your hair, your lips. Especially your lips."

Jared laughs softly. "Hmm, okay," he says, and angles his face up to catch Jensen's lips in another kiss.

+

The living room looks strange to Jensen without his comforter on the couch, his clothes folded on the armchair. While everyone else had been in the room all the time, it had still felt like Jensen's sometimes instead of a shared space, but Jensen decides he likes it better this way.

He gingerly holds the steaming hot mug of tea Genevieve handed him between his hands and rounds the couch to find a place to sit. Jared reaches out, tugging at his jeans, and pulling him down next to him on the floor. 

"There's room next to Danneel and Genevieve on the couch," Jensen complains, but he sits down next to Jared, pressed against his side.

"He's not as young as you, Jared. His poor old back will be aching if you make him sit on the floor," Danneel teases from behind him. Her hand settles on Jensen's neck, warm from her own mug of tea, and he groans in appreciation when she kneads the muscles there.

"I'm not old," he mutters, but tips his head forward to offer Danneel more room.

"Older than me," Jared says, and while Jensen knows he means nothing by it, it makes his stomach drop a little. Nine years isn't a huge age difference, he knows, but sometimes Jensen forgets that Jared is that much younger than him and it's weird to be reminded. Jared's young, and not very experienced in some respects – most importantly with being in a relationship with a man – and Jensen remembers what that's like. The first relationship he'd been in with another guy had felt overwhelming enough as it was, and he wonders if maybe the fact that he's thirty is only adding more pressure on Jared. He doesn't want to push Jared into anything, doesn't want to rush him when he might not be ready yet.

"Hey," Jared says, voice quiet so only Jensen can hear it. "Don't make that face."

"Which face?" Jensen asks.

"The one where you're worrying. About me," Jared murmurs, and leans in, whispering into Jensen's ear. "I like that you're older."

The words send a hot flush through Jensen and he exhales slowly. "Jesus, Jared," he says, and Danneel's hand on his neck tightens.

"Stop dirty talking to each other when I'm right here," she admonishes playfully, and Jensen tips his head back to glare at her.

"Speaking of that," Genevieve chimes in. "Jared, you gonna get your stuff and move it up to the attic?"

"Why would he move up into the attic?" Chad asks, crossing his arms over his chest. Until now, he's been silently sitting in the armchair, watching the fire and not paying attention to the four of them.

"I. I hadn't thought about it," Jared says, ignoring Chad's question. He sounds hesitant, and looks at Jensen.

"It's just that Danni, Katie, Adrianne and I were talking," Genevieve says from behind them and Jensen twists sideways to be able to see her. "If you move upstairs, we could shuffle things around. Jeff and Danneel could have their own room too, and the rest of us would pair up so it's only two in each room."

"I, uh, yeah. I guess I could do that," Jared says. "If Jensen is okay with it."

"If he's okay with it? What, like he gets to have his own room if he wants to?" Chad asks, voice a bit louder now.

"Because we'd all understand it if they didn't want to rush things," Genevieve says. "Christ, Chad, stop being so thick."

"Rush things?" Chad echoes. "Like, _rush things_?"

"I'm not sure what other kind of rushing Gen could be referring to," Danneel pipes up.

"Guys, maybe right now isn't the best time to discuss this," Jensen says, when he really wants to say he doesn't want to discuss him and Jared at all. Especially not with Chad, who hates him enough as it is. But he knows Genevieve is right about the rooms – it wouldn't be fair for him to have his own room, when Danneel, Adrianne, and Katie are sharing one. And Jensen doesn't mind sharing, but Jared and he have only been fooling around for a few weeks and moving into one room seems fast. But then again, Jensen doubts normal rules of relationships apply anymore anyway – there's no dating, no moving in together, no getting married and settling down together; not in the way there was before. To Jensen, it feels like the only way to have a relationship now is to go all in or not do it at all, and he'd rather go all in with Jared if that's the only way they can have this.

Chad makes a displeased noise, ripping Jensen out of his thoughts, and crosses his arms over his chest.

"I think I want to discuss it right now," he says, sounding pissed. "Jared? Are you guys _fucking_?"

"Chad!" Jared exclaims, and Jensen feels the way he goes tense at his side. 

"What? Are you?" Chad prods. "Him, of all people?"

His words finally make Jensen reach his limit.

"Jesus Christ, what is your problem with me?" he explodes, glaring at Chad. Chad narrows his eyes.

"This is between me and Jared," he snaps, and Jared huffs.

"Look, I get it, you have a problem with Jensen for some reason, but that doesn't concern me, okay?" he says. "What Jensen and I do together has nothing to do with how _you_ feel about him."

"Are you completely blind?" Chad asks incredulously. "He shows up here one day and all of you guys suddenly fall all over yourselves to do what he asks, and now I find out you're rolling over for him? I'm not buying that. You've never actually been with a guy before, never acted on your little crushes, Jared, so why now? Why _him_?"

Jared sighs, and gives Jensen an apologetic look before getting up. "I'm not discussing this here with you," he says. "You wanna talk to me – like an _adult_ , might I add – let's do this somewhere else."

"Jared," Genevieve warns, at the same time Jensen reaches for Jared and curls his fingers around his wrist.

Jared shakes his head. "No, come on, this is ridiculous. My personal life is not something that's up for group discussions."

"Oh, I'm 'the group' now?" Chad asks snappily. "I'm one of your best friends, Jared. I thought you trusted me."

"I do trust you," Jared says, whirling around to face Chad. His hands are curled into fists, and he looks pissed now. "But this has nothing to do with trust, Chad, because frankly, who I'm with is none of your business. I like Jensen, and that's all that matters. If you don't trust him, fine, but have some faith in me, Chad, and stop acting like an ass."

"You have some faith in me, too, then! He's trouble!" Chad yells back, and Jensen feels like he's in the middle of some stupid Lifetime movie.

"Guys, settle down," Jensen says and gets up, resting a hand on Jared's back in what he hopes is a calming gesture. "Chad, if you have problems with me, you're free to talk to me about them. And if you have something to say to Jared, tell him when you're alone. Jared is right, this isn't the place for it and our relationship is our business, okay?"

"You're making a huge mistake with that guy, Jared," Chad warns, getting up. "I don't know what he's doing, how he's influencing you like that, but it's not like you to follow some guy around like a lost puppy, doing his bidding."

"I'm doing neither of those things," Jared says. "Everything that's been happening around here is based on group decisions – including voting for Jensen to be in charge. There's no ulterior motives, okay? And I'm not a freaking kid, Chad – I know what I'm doing and I know who to trust."

"Apparently you don't," Chad says. 

"If you're really my friend, Chad, you get over whatever your problem is and be happy for me."

"Not if you're with him," Chad says, and stalks out of the room without looking back. 

"Well," Jensen starts awkwardly. "That was pleasant."

Jared snorts humorlessly, and Jensen presses up against him, wrapping an arm around Jared's waist.

"What's his problem with Jensen anyway?" Danneel asks.

"I don't think it really has anything to do with Jensen himself," Genevieve says, a bit tentatively. "I think if it was up to Chad, it would still be just the four of us. He feels threatened, I guess."

"He doesn't really trust people," Jared adds. "Especially these days. And we all trusted Jensen so easily, me especially, and that kinda set him on edge. He's just scared. Scared and fucked up and not handling this well."

Genevieve sighs. "He's really not a bad guy," she says softly, and Jensen glances at her.

"Well, he's not doing a good job convincing me otherwise."

"He'll get over it," Jared insists. "I'll try to talk to him again when he's calmed down a little."

Jensen runs a tired hand over his face, feels the stubble under his palm. "I'll try to talk to him, too, if you guys think it might help," he says, and sighs. "But not today. I think I'm ready to hit the sack."

"Yeah, me too," Danneel agrees, and unfolds herself from the couch. "What a way to end the day, huh?"

Jensen snorts. "Yeah," he agrees, and turns to look at Jared. "You coming?"

Jared looks past him at Genevieve, who's still sitting on the couch, "In a bit. I think I'm gonna stay down here a little longer and talk," he says, hesitantly. "Unless you'd rather I stay in my room or something?"

"'Course not," Jensen says, and brushes his hand against Jared's. "See you in a bit then."

Jared nods, and Jensen gives him a small smile before making his way upstairs behind Danneel.

He doesn't mind that Jared is choosing to stay downstairs for a while, figuring he probably wants to talk to Genevieve about Chad, and _him_. He gets it. Genevieve is Jared's best friend, and so is Chad, and they know him in a way Jensen doesn't, and this is probably something Jared needs to work out with them instead of him. Jensen wants him to, doesn't want to come between Jared and Chad's friendship. It just leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth, the fact that one of Jared's best friends so obviously disapproves of their relationship and Jared is turning to someone else to talk about it. He likes Genevieve, and he knows she's not going to talk Jared out of being with Jensen, but part of him is worried that it's not him that will reassure Jared, remind Jared of all the reasons why they're a good idea.

Jensen says goodnight to Danneel and trudges up to his room. It's colder than the living room, dark with only the moonlight shining in through the window. 

He undresses quickly and buries himself under the mountain of blankets, and waits to warm up. Hoping friction will create some heat, he shifts around a little, rubbing his feet together.

He's thinking about nothing specific – still pondering Chad's outburst, and things he has to do tomorrow – when he finally starts to drift off. He barely registers the sound of footsteps downstairs, followed by a door shutting, but he's brought back to consciousness by the hatch creaking open. Sleepily, he listens to Jared – the soft thud of him trying to close the hatch as quietly as possible, the rustle of clothes as he undresses, the creak of the floorboards as he makes his way through the room.

He moves to make room for Jared when the comforter is lifted up, makes a displeased noise at the cold air against his skin.

"Sorry," Jared whispers. "You asleep?"

"Hmm. No," Jensen mumbles, and sighs contently when Jared lies down, the comforter and layers of blankets coming back down over both of them. He's on his side, Jared against his back, and he reaches around, hand fumbling to find Jared's waist or arm to pull him closer.

It takes a moment before he's fully alert, and his eyes widen in the darkness. "Are you naked?" he asks, hand awkwardly patting further down Jared's body.

"Yes."

Jensen laughs. "Okay. Just checking – not that I'm complaining, though."

"Good. I figured since we have some privacy now..." Jared trails off, and strokes his hand down Jensen's arm. "If you want to."

"What?" Jensen asks, and turns onto his back. The room is too dark to really make out more than the outline of Jared's body, and Jensen hates that he can't see Jared's face, his expression right now. "Is this about Chad somehow?"

Jared snorts humorlessly. "No. God, no. Chad is not making me want to have sex with you; that's all just you," he says. "And can we please not talk about him while we're in bed together. Or anyone else for that matter?"

"Okay," Jensen says.

"I want this," Jared replies firmly, and his hand finds Jensen's under the blankets, twining their fingers together. "Remember how you told me a couple of weeks ago that you want to make the most of the time you have? I want that, too. With you. 'Cause you...being with you is the first thing that makes me forget about what happened, that makes things okay. Makes me feel _happy_."

"Jared," Jensen starts, but Jared shushes him.

"No, let me talk," he pleads. "After you first kissed me, you told me you were all in and I never said it back, but I want you to know that the same goes for me. I'm all in. I want you, Jensen, but more importantly, I _need_ you. You make me feel so alive. And I just wanna be with you."

"Hey, I'm right here," Jensen murmurs, and reaches for Jared. He tangles his free hand in Jared's hair and pulls him in, lips finding lips in the darkness. "I'm right here and I won't be going anywhere. Whether we have sex now or take it slow, that won't change anything between us."

"But I want to," Jared replies. "Please."

And Jensen is really only so strong. He pulls Jared in to kiss him again, harder this time, pressing his body against Jared's as he licks into his mouth, exploring, tasting him. He kisses Jared until Jared is making small, needy noises, his cock rubbing against Jensen's hip. Jensen guides him onto his back and straddles him, legs bracketing Jared. The movement has made the comforter slide half off them, but Jensen doesn't care, ignores the cold air against his shoulders in favor of kissing Jared, trailing his lips down Jared's jaw, his throat.

"God, baby," he murmurs, and bites softly down on Jared's pulse point, making Jared gasp under him. His hands slide down Jared's body, feeling smooth, strong muscles under his palms, skin soft and hot. Flicking his thumb over Jared's nipple teasingly, he nuzzles Jared's neck.

"We need stuff. Something we can use as lube," he says, and mentally tries to think of something they have in the house they could use. Oil is the best he can come up with.

"I, uh – there's Vaseline in your drawers," Jared mumbles, and Jensen doesn't need to be able to see him clearly to know Jared is embarrassed.

"Excuse me?" he asks, puzzled.

"We have Vaseline. I got some, in case, you know," Jared explains.

"Where the hell did you get Vaseline?"

"Umm, not really sure, to be honest. I found it in the bathroom downstairs a few weeks ago," Jared replies with a snort. "Guess someone found it on one of the supply runs or something. Probably Chad, to be honest – he stocked up on condoms on one of the first trips to a town while we were busy getting stuff like antibiotics at a drug store."

"Of course he did," Jensen says with a groan, but he rolls off Jared and slides out from under the covers, padding over to the drawers. The floor is cold under his bare feet. "And how did it get in my drawers?"

"I put it there earlier. I figured we might need it more than he does."

Jensen laughs softly. "You planned this," he accuses. "Which drawer?"

"Top one. Somewhere on the left," Jared says. "And I didn't plan this exactly. I mean, it was fair to assume we'd get around to this eventually."

Jensen's hand pats the clothes in the drawer until his hand closes around hard, smooth plastic and he pulls the small pot out. "This won't last us forever."

"There's other stuff, right? We'll figure something out...I just thought since it's the first time I'll actually be doing this, an actual lube-like substance might be nice," Jared says.

"Definitely," Jensen agrees, and finds himself glad Jared thought this far ahead. He strips out of his shirt and boxers before he joins Jared on the bed, crawling back on top of him. He kicks the covers down a little to make more room for himself, and then nudges Jared's knees apart.

"Now, where were we?" he murmurs, and leans down to nuzzle Jared's throat before he can answer. He mouths his way down, feels the bob of Jared's Adam's apple as he swallows, and nips at his collarbone. There's the faint trace of salty sweat on Jared's skin, and Jensen hums into it, finds it so much more pleasant than the sharp, bitter taste of cologne and aftershave most guys he's been with used. 

He moves down, seals his lips over one of Jared's nipples, and Jared moans, arching up sharply. 

"Shh," Jensen whispers, and licks over the nipple, rubs his tongue against it, and feels it harden. He smiles at the way it makes Jared writhe helplessly. 

"Fuck, so responsive, baby," he says and he strokes his hands languidly up from Jared's waist to his chest and then curls his hands around Jared's arms. They're big, strong, and Jensen pins Jared down by them, and sucks harder on the nipple, scrapes his teeth against it.

Jared whimpers. His cock is hard, pressed against Jensen's belly, and Jensen can feel the sticky traces of pre-come on his skin, can feel the way Jared is breathing sharp and fast already. 

"Jensen, please," Jared pleads, and Jensen lifts his head, peering up through the darkness.

"Please what?"

"Do something," Jared begs, and restlessly shifts his hips.

Jensen lets go of Jared's arms then and slithers down his body, leaving a damp trail of kisses down Jared's chest and stomach. When he reaches Jared's cock he wastes no time, knowing Jared isn't going to last long, and grips it in a firm, sure hand. He licks over the tip, gets a feel for it, big and perfect, before he takes the head in his mouth and sucks.

"Oh, holy shit!" Jared exclaims, and Jensen feels hands tangle in his short hair, tugging. He slides down, takes Jared in deeper, and hums around Jared's dick. He's big, all hard and velvety smooth, and sometime soon Jensen is going to do this in broad daylight where he can see him, memorize every little detail about Jared in all his naked, perfect glory.

"Jen, _Jen_ ," Jared babbles, hips rocking up in tiny, quick motions, like Jared is trying not to move but can't quite help himself. Jensen slides his mouth up and down, uses his hand to fist what he can't reach, and tries to picture it in his head. The image makes hot, white want pool in the pit of his stomach, and doubles his effort, uses all the tricks he knows, until Jared is right on the edge of coming. He slides amost completely off Jared, until just the tip of his cock is in his mouth, and uses his free hand to reach between Jared's legs, rubbing the tip of a finger of his perineum and further back to Jared's hole.

Jared lets out a series of noises that are more moans than words, and comes into Jensen's mouth, hot and sticky. Jensen swallows, sucking and licking until Jared starts to go soft, squirming under him. 

He lets Jared slip from his mouth then and crawls up his body. He cups Jared's face in one hand, angling Jared's face so his lips can find Jared's. Jared is hesitant at first, but then he kisses Jensen back, lips pliantly parting for Jensen's tongue.

His body is hot and damp with sweat under Jensen's, and Jensen rubs his own hard dick against Jared's belly, seeking friction.

"Jensen," Jared says when their lips part, sounding wrecked. 

"Hmm," Jensen hums. He twists his fingers in Jared's hair, twirling it around, and lazily rocks his hips against Jared. "Still want me to fuck you, Jay?"

He hears the soft intake of Jared's breath, feels him nod. "Yeah," he murmurs. "Please."

Jensen kisses his jaw and fumbles around for the pot of Vaseline he tossed somewhere onto the bed, until his fingers close around it. 

He lies back down with Jared, half next to him and half on top of him, one leg between Jared's splayed ones, and kisses him softly. Jared is a bit tense, and Jensen can imagine how nervous he must feel. He remembers the first time he'd let someone fuck him, and how daunting it had felt, no matter how many times he'd had sex before. 

"You call the shots here, okay?" he asks, lips pressed to Jared's jaw in tiny kisses, and cards his fingers through Jared's hair. "Tell me if you want me to stop or if I do something you don't like."

"Yeah, okay," Jared breathes out. He tips his face up, lips ghosting over Jensen's cheek before he finds Jensen's lips. Jensen lets Jared control the kiss, humming contently, and blindly unscrews the Vaseline. He pulls back from the kiss for a moment, long enough to coat his fingers, and then pulls Jared back into another kiss. With his knee he nudges Jared's legs further apart, and reaches between them. 

Jared tenses for a moment when Jensen touches slick fingers against his entrance, putting light pressure against it, and Jensen mumbles shushing sounds against Jared's lips. He waits until Jared relaxes before he presses the first finger in just past the first knuckle. Jared is tight, hot, muscles clenching around Jensen, and Jensen lets him have a moment to adjust before pulling back out a little and pushing in again, deeper. 

He preps Jared slowly, carefully, taking his time to fuck him with just one finger, then two, then three. He tries to pay close attention to the way Jared feels around him, muscles relaxing, giving way as Jensen coaxes him open. When Jensen's fingers find his prostate for the first time, Jared's body nearly shoots off the bed, before he presses back onto Jensen's fingers.

"Oh, shit," Jared moans. Jensen kisses along his jaw, feels a hint of stubble against his smiling lips, and taps his fingers against Jared's prostate again, rubbing it until Jared is rocking down against him eagerly.

"Jensen," he groans. "Please. God please, I want you inside of me."

"Shh, easy. Okay," Jensen replies, and suddenly feels a little bit nervous himself. He's rock hard, and the thought of being inside of Jared sends a shudder down his spine.

He pulls his fingers out gently, and nudges Jared around. "It'll be easier on your hands and knees," he says, and Jared goes with it, letting Jensen arrange him. Jensen slides behind him, and bends down to brush a kiss against Jared's spine.

"Comfortable?" he asks, and Jared lets out an affirming grunt. 

It takes a moment before Jensen finds the Vaseline again, and he slicks himself up generously. Better too much than too little, he thinks. Jensen has fucked plenty of guys, but it's never been the first time for any of those guys as far as Jensen knows and he wants to do this right, wants it to be as amazing for Jared as it can be.

He wipes his hand clean on the blankets before he palms Jared's ass and positions himself, rubbing the head of his cock down Jared's crack, feeling it catch on the rim of his hole. He hears Jared suck in a breath and runs a comforting hand down Jared's back and settles on his hip.

He waits until he feels some of the tension leave Jared's body before he starts to press in. If Jensen thought Jared felt tight around his fingers, it's nothing compared to how he feels around his dick. He feels Jared's muscles clamp down around him at first, and Jensen stills, willing himself not to just thrust in all the way, to feel that perfect heat engulf him. 

He continues slowly, pushes in inch by inch with small rocks of his hips, until he bottoms out. 

"Fuck, baby," he murmurs breathlessly. Jensen could swear being inside someone has never felt this amazing – he's not sure if it's because it's been a year since he's done this, or because it's Jared, but his whole body feels on fire with pleasure. 

"You okay?" he asks, and experimentally rocks his hips a little.

"Weird," Jared grunts out. "But fine. Please, Jensen, move. Want more. Wanna feel you."

Jensen shifts, gets a better angle, and pulls out before thrusting back in. He fucks Jared slowly at first, deep and precise, until Jared starts moving with him, meeting his thrusts and gasping when Jensen's cock drags against his prostate. Jensen loses some of his hesitancy then, fucks Jared harder, faster, hips snapping back and forth and drawing small, high moans from Jared.

He feels sweat trickle down his temple, his heart beating out of his chest, and feels his own orgasm approach. Pulling Jared back against him, he manhandles him until Jared's sitting on Jensen's lap and reaches around for Jared's dick. He's hard again, and Jensen jerks him in time with his thrusts, quick and firm.

"Come on. Come for me, sweetheart," he drawls out, right into Jared's ear, the words slipping out without thought.

"Oh. _Oh_ , oh god," Jared pants. His hands grab Jensen's arm, fingers digging into Jensen's flesh almost painfully, and Jensen snaps his hips up as much as the position allows, again and again.

"That's it. Come on," he urges, and Jared tips his head back, damp hair fanning out against Jensen's shoulder, and comes with a cry.

His muscles constrict around Jensen, his hole a vice grip on Jensen's cock, and Jensen moans. He lets go of Jared's dick, grabs his hips with both hands and ruts up into Jared. His release washes over him, hot and fast, with such intensity that Jensen thinks he's almost blacking out.

Jared is limp on his lap, slumped back against Jensen, and Jensen uses the last of his strength to hold them both upright, peppering kisses against Jared's shoulder and neck.

The cool air of the attic is making the sweat on their skin dry quickly, and it feels like a blessing on Jensen's overheated skin before it starts getting too chilly. He carefully coaxes Jared off his lap, and Jared whimpers when Jensen slips free. It's then that Jensen registers the feeling of sticky, still warm come on his cock, and he thinks they should probably clean up. Jared can't feel comfortable with his own come drying on his chest, and Jensen's trickling out of him, but it's dark and late, and Jared reaches for him as he lies down, pulling him with him.

"You okay?" Jensen asks, tugging the comforter and blankets over them. 

Jared pushes back against him, his back against Jensen's chest, and hums. "Yeah," he says, and then snorts tiredly, mumbling "Holy fucking shit."

Jensen breathes out against Jared's neck and kisses the skin there absently. "Good," he whispers, and wraps his arms around Jared, holding him close. 

They can clean up tomorrow.

+

As much as they'd gotten ready for winter, Jensen thinks they hadn't been quite prepared for this. The weather is brutal and unforgiving, and Jensen can't think of a single time in his life where he'd felt this cold.

Even sitting in front of the fireplace with a mug of hot tea, or a warm bowl of food, he feels like he's never quite warm. They spend more time than ever before huddled together in the living-room, and they only go out wrapped in thick coats.

Nights are the worst. They make hot water bottles to pre-heat the beds and keep their feet warm at night. Jared and he sleep in several layers of clothes, blankets heaped on top of them. Jensen is glad he at least has Jared's warm body pressed up against him for additional heat.

"I can't wait for this to be over," Jensen says one night, face pressed into Jared's neck.

Jared laughs softly. "Yeah," he agrees. "I can't wait to finally get you out of your clothes again. I think I'm starting to forget what you look like naked."

Jensen sneaks his hand down Jared's body and pinches his ass, smirking when Jared yelps even though he probably barely felt him through his own clothes. "I'm sorry I don't want my dick to freeze off."

Jared sighs dramatically. "Fine, be that way," he says, and slides his hand underneath Jensen's shirt. "Hey, Jen?"

"Hmm?"

"In summer, maybe we can go camping," Jared says softly, sounding wistful.

"Camping?" Jensen asks, and pulls back a little. He rests his head on the pillow, face to face with Jared.

"Well, not like _really_ camping. We should probably stay somewhere on the property, but we could grab some stuff, sleep outside for a couple of days. Maybe go fishing in the lake, take the horses, you know?" Jared suggests tentatively, and he sounds like he expects Jensen to turn him down, laughing nervously. "Is that horribly cheesy?"

"Nah, not that cheesy," Jensen reassures him. "Sounds nice."

"Yeah. My family used to go camping. And the last few years my older brother and I sometimes did – just packed some stuff and drove for an hour or so until we found a place," Jared says. He sighs. "I miss them. My family."

"I know, baby," Jensen whispers. "I miss mine, too."

"I'm glad I have you, though," Jared admits. "It'd be nice to get away from everyone for a day or two, just you and me."

"Yeah," Jensen agrees, and rubs his feet against Jared's. 

"I mean, I love them," Jared quickly interjects, and Jensen pats him comfortingly under the covers.

"Hey, you don't need to justify yourself, okay? I get it, Jared."

"Yeah, it's just, sometimes I think about stuff like that and I feel bad about it," Jared says softly. "I miss how things were before and all the people, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by the few of us here and I just want to get away for a while. And things with Chad are still so weird –"

"Sweetheart," Jensen says, tone both admonishing and fond. "I'm serious, you don't need to explain yourself about stuff like that. I feel the same way sometimes – ten people in one house isn't always easy."

Jared sighs. "Yeah," he says. 

"And going camping with you sounds amazing," Jensen adds. "I wouldn't mind having you to myself for a couple of days."

Jared smiles, small and genuine, and leans in for a soft kiss. He's silent for a while after that, fingers tracing patterns on Jensen's back, and Jensen enjoys lying close to Jared and just breathing him in.

"I like it when you call me that," Jared suddenly says absently.

"Hmm? Call you what?"

"Sweetheart and stuff. Nobody ever used terms of endearment with me before. 's nice," Jared mumbles, and Jensen laughs softly, shifting closer to brush his lips against Jared's forehead.

"Good, I like it, too," he replies, and closes his eyes. Despite the cold, and the draft coming in through cracks of the roof, he feels okay for now, content to just be there in that moment with Jared.

+

Around Christmas time, Genevieve and Katie insist on putting up a small tree. They've long lost track of the time to know when exactly Christmas is, but they make a vague guess, and Matt and Katie go outside to cut down a tree and everyone decorates it with a box of old Christmas decoration they found in the attic months ago.

It ends up looking kinda kitschy, but Jensen thinks it's a nice sentiment. Jared doesn't seem to agree – he curls up with a book while everyone else decorates, and when Genevieve tries to coax him into admitting the tree is great, he just shrugs, and says, "Yeah, sure," before going back to reading.

When some of the others start singing Christmas songs and swapping holiday stories, Jared vanishes.

Jensen gives him a twenty minute head-start before he goes to look for him. He finally finds Jared outside on the porch, leaning against the railing and staring ahead. It's getting dark already, and there's nothing there to see. It's been snowing for a few days, a thick, white blanket covering everything and more flakes falling down. 

Jensen wraps his arms around Jared's waist and hides his hands in the pockets of Jared's coat.

"Not in a holiday mood?" he asks, voice teasing, and Jared doesn't reply.

"Okay," Jensen says, drawing the word out. "Wanna tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jared mumbles. "Just don't feel like celebrating Christmas."

"We're probably way off with the date anyway," Jensen interjects. "Jared, they're just trying to have some fun. Normalcy." 

Jared shrugs. "It just depresses me," he says. "It reminds me of how things used to be and what we lost and I'm so sick of thinking about that. It's everywhere, all day, and I don't need any additional stuff to be reminded. It – it feels _wrong_ , to celebrate a holiday like that, without our families and friends."

Jensen sighs and rests his cheek on Jared's shoulder. "Jay, it's in the past," he says softly. "We'll always be reminded, and we'll always remember, but it wasn't our fault that it happened and it wasn't our fault that we were lucky enough to survive. It's okay to be happy, to move on, and it's okay to keep traditions alive, to celebrate."

Jared twists around in his arms and hugs Jensen, hiding his face in Jensen's neck.

"Jared," Jensen murmurs, and Jared tightens his arms around him before relaxing his hold.

"I'm happy," Jared finally says, voice soft but resolute. "I didn't think I'd ever feel that way again, but I really _am_ happy. I'm just not ready to do Christmas yet."

"Okay. Okay. You don't have to," Jensen assures him, carding his fingers through Jared's hair and turning his head to kiss his cheek. "I just hate the thought of you being upset."

"I'm not," Jared promises. "I'm good. Just wanted to be alone for a bit."

"Okay. Want me to leave?" 

Jared snorts. "No," he says, and hooks his fingers into the pocket of Jensen's jeans. Jensen thinks for a moment that the position must be uncomfortable for him, stooping down enough to rest his head on Jensen's shoulder, but Jared seems content where he is.

"Jen," Jared murmurs. "Do you think if we'd met before, when things were normal, we would have been together?"

Jensen gives the question some thought, tries to picture it – meeting Jared at some bar in Texas, or hell, running into him at a grocery store or a café – and shrugs. "I don't know," he says honestly. "I wasn't too good at relationships before."

"Oh."

Jensen jostles Jared a little. "I would have noticed you. Probably hit on you, but...I'm not sure I would have been after more than a fling. If I'd gotten to know you, maybe, but I didn't really let myself have a shot at relationships," he says. "I was so focused on my career – money, a nice apartment, a swanky car. That's all that mattered to me. I was an _idiot_."

"Hmm, well, I probably wouldn't have dared to even talk to you," Jared admits. "I was okay with asking girls out, but I was really intimidated by the idea of being with a guy."

"I'm glad that changed," Jensen says, and kisses Jared's cheek again, right next to his nose. "Sometimes I think some good things came out of this whole thing. As terrible as it was, it changed me for the better. Taught me what really matters in life, to appreciate what I do have. _Who_ I have."

Jared shifts, straightens. He looks thoughtful, eyes trained on Jensen. "I think maybe all of us changed for the better," he admits. "It's sad that it took something like this to make us think about what's important in life. Makes me wonder what it says about what our society was like – most people were so blind, striving for things that seem so insignificant now, wanting bigger and better and more."

"At least we know better now. I'm not sure about everyone else out there, but us, here? I feel like we got a second chance and we're using it," Jensen says and tugs Jared down into a soft kiss. "I know I am. With you."

"Cheesy," Jared teases, kissing him again.

"Yeah," Jensen says, and cups Jared's face in both his hands, smiling at him. "But I don't care how cheesy it is. It's true – it's up to us what we make of our lives here, and I'm gonna use that chance. I'm going to live this life to the fullest, as much as this world allows me."

"Live deliberately?" Jared asks with a grin. "Learn what life has to teach?"

"Suck out all the marrow of life," Jensen quotes, and Jared laughs.

"Or," he says. "We could go upstairs and you can suck something else."

Jensen snorts. "And I'm cheesy, huh?" he asks, and gives Jared a small shove. "Get your cute little ass upstairs, and I'll teach you just how _sublime_ life is."

Jared grins, happy and carefree, and it makes Jensen's heart skip a beat, seeing him like that. "Okay, no more Thoreau once we're in bed," he says. "That's a rule."

"But anywhere outside of our bed is fine?" Jensen jokes, and Jared groans.

"No," he says.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more," Jensen says theatrically, and Jared pushes him. 

"Stop it," he says, but he grabs Jensen's hand in his and pulls him along inside. 

He doesn't let go of Jensen's hand as they rush up the stairs, and their heavy footsteps echo in the silent staircase. Jensen wonders what the others must be thinking – they can probably make a pretty accurate guess about what Jared and he are up to – and he can't bring himself to care.


	5. Epilogue

The sun is shining in through the small sloped window when Jensen wakes up, warming the naked skin of his arms. It's pretty high in the sky already, late morning, and Jensen cherishes the knowledge that they are, for once, sleeping in. He stretches and groans contently when his back makes a soft popping noise, bones aligning.

"Old man," Jared murmurs sleepily from next to him. 

Jensen glances at him and finds Jared's eyes still closed, but there's a small smile on his face. Jensen props himself up on an elbow and reaches out with his free hand, tugging at a strand of hair.

"Who are you calling old?"

Jared bats his hand away and cracks his eyes open. "You," he says, rolling onto his back and making a happy sound, tugging the sheets around him higher.

"You weren't complaining last night, sweetheart," Jensen murmurs, and Jared's smile gets a little brighter.

"Hmm, yes. I'm _sore_ ," he replies, like it's the best thing ever. Jensen leans over him, strokes his hand down Jared's cheek before kissing him sweetly.

"We have to get up, huh?" Jared asks between kisses, arms sliding around Jensen's shoulders.

"Unfortunately, yes," he says, and kisses Jared one last time before rolling out of bed with a sigh. He pads over to the dresser, avoiding the one floorboard that always creaks loudly, and gets a fresh pair of boxers.

Jared follows him with a sigh, and they get dressed side by side. Jensen is glancing into the mirror, contemplating whether or not to shave, when Jared looks over his shoulder and groans.

"I hate my hair," he says, and tries to pat it down. Jensen watches him with an amused smile. 

"Don't even bother," he says, and pats Jared's hip as he brushes past him.

He gets his boots, and sits on the edge of the bed, putting them on. When he looks up, he finds Jared watching himself in the mirror while tying his hair back, a look of concentration on his face.

"There," he says finally, nodding with satisfaction. Jensen feels a wave of want course through him, looking Jared up and down. He was right the first time he said Jared would look good with a ponytail – and while Jared is still not convinced and only ties his hair back when it gets in the way otherwise, he knows Jensen has a soft spot for it.

"It's like you're trying to challenge my willpower," he says, and Jared looks at him.

"Hmm, maybe," he says. "I wouldn't be opposed to you dragging me back to bed and not letting me leave it for the rest of the day."

"If only we could, but duty's calling," Jensen says and gets up. "Tonight, though."

"I'll keep my hair like this," Jared promises, voice teasing, and quickly steals a kiss from Jensen before Jensen opens the hatch and they go downstairs.

At this time of the day, everyone is usually scattered all over the farm, working, and Jensen is surprised when he walks into the kitchen and finds everyone in the room. He takes one look at the faces, and feels his stomach drop.

"What happened?" he asks, looking around. Jared has come to a halt behind him, and one of his hands grips Jensen's waist.

"Guys?" he asks.

Misha is the first to respond. He sighs, and waves at the table where the radio is sitting. "There was something broadcast earlier this morning," he says.

"What?" Jensen asks, and the disbelief is clear in his voice. Since the day he found Misha first fiddling with the old radio, there's never even once been so much as a single radio signal Misha picked up on. "What exactly did it say?"

"There's a camp," Adrianne says softly. She's leaning against the cabinets, arms crossed, blond hair falling into her face.

"We knew there might be camps out there," Jensen says, trying to sound composed.

"They said there are a few hundred people there already," Jeff speaks, from next to Adrianne, and meets Jensen's eyes. "They wanna set up a new society, rebuild things, and they're inviting people to join them. They gave coordinates – a place in California, less than a thousand miles from here."

"It might be a trick," Jared says, sounding choked. His hand is still holding on to Jensen, fingers digging into Jensen's skin.

"Why? What good would it do them to attract people – most likely people who will come there with nothing but a few meager possessions," Katie says, shaking her head vigorously. "Jared, this is the real deal. A camp, maybe a town."

Jensen sighs. "So, what now?" he asks, and slowly looks around the room. 

He's met with silence, until finally Katie shrugs.

"We could go," she says softly. "It might be good – a chance at a new life. Something more than this place has to offer us. More like things were before."

"Or it could be a disaster," Danneel adds. "We don't know who these people are, what this camp is like."

They fall into silence again, heavy and uncomfortable. Jensen can see it on each of the other's faces, uncertainty and fear and hope, torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay.

"Guess we all have some thinking to do, figure out what we wanna do. It's something we all have to decide on our own," Jensen says. "Let's give it until tomorrow morning, and we'll talk about it then. Until then, there's work to do, so come on, people."

He tries to sound light, but there's a queasy feeling settling in his stomach. He reaches for Jared's hand, pries his fingers away and lets his own slide through them, twining them together. Jared remains standing stock still.

+

That night, Jensen slides between Jared's legs and kisses him, deep and thorough. Kisses him until all thoughts of camps and California and leaving are pushed to the back of his mind, and it's just him and Jared that matter. 

They don't talk, the only words passing between them are murmurs of their names, and soft pleas for more. Jensen presses Jared into the mattress, lets his lips and hands do all the talking for now. He fingers Jared open, and then fucks him slow and deep, Jared's legs wrapped around his waist. 

He feels desperate, his whole body burning with the need to be as close to Jared as possible, as deep inside him as their bodies allow. Jared is clutching at him, breath shallow and choked. Each time Jensen pulls out, Jared's legs around him tighten, draw him back in. He comes untouched, and Jensen fucks him through it, keeps going until he finally reaches his own completion. 

When his orgasm hits, he presses his lips to Jared's, and tastes salty wetness that Jensen knows is more than sweat. 

Afterward, he curls up around Jared, tugs him in close. He feels calmer than he has all day, centered, and he just holds Jared for a few minutes, saying nothing.

"What do you want?" he eventually asks Jared softly, and Jared wraps his hands around Jensen's arms, holding them against himself tightly.

"I know things aren't always easy here. Keeping the farm going, having only each other to rely on, it's tough," he says, voice a whisper. "I never saw myself living like this, and there are days where I feel like maybe it's too much, maybe we can't do this. But it's _home_. I feel safe here, Jensen. I feel at peace. I didn't think I'd ever get to feel that way again."

"You want to stay," Jensen says, already knowing the answer.

Jared lets out a breath, shaky and slow. "I'll leave if you guys want to. If all of you decide you don't wanna stay," he answers. "You. If _you_ don't wanna stay."

Jensen combs Jared's hair back gently and kisses his temple. "I want to be with you," he says. "I don't care if that's here, or at a camp, or wherever. I'll be happy wherever you are, Jared. Whatever you decide, that'll be what I decide, too."

Jared turns his head, hair brushing against Jensen's nose. "I want to stay," he admits in a murmur, and Jensen nods.

"Okay. We're staying."

"What if everyone else leaves?" Jared asks.

"Then I'll still stay here with you if that's what you choose," Jensen says. 

"You think we could keep the farm running, just the two of us?"

Jensen shrugs. "We could try. And if we can't, the camp will still be there."

"Jensen," Jared says, and surges up, bringing their mouths together in a kiss. The angle is all wrong, teeth knocking against teeth, but neither of them make a move to shift, to let go of the hold they have on each other.

"Want you back inside me," Jared finally murmurs between kisses, and Jensen feels a new wave of arousal crash through him.

"God, you drive me so crazy," he hisses, and lets his hands travel over Jared's body, seek out the spots he knows will have Jared arching and moaning in no time. He moves them around then, rolls Jared onto his side and slides up behind him. 

He peppers kisses against Jared's shoulder, holds him against his chest with one arm while the other guides Jared's leg up and out of the way. Fisting his cock a couple of times, he brings it back to full hardness, and then slides all the way back inside Jared, still wet and open and rocking back onto Jensen's dick so beautifully, so eagerly.

This time, Jensen feels none of the earlier tension, like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Jared grasps the hand Jensen has resting on his stomach, twines their fingers together.

"I love you, sweetheart," Jensen murmurs into Jared's ear, thrusting into him with slow rolls of his hips. "Love you so fucking much."

+

There are a couple of backpacks in the hallway, packed and ready. Jensen glances at them, and then meets Jared's gaze.

"Come on then," he says, and steers Jared into the kitchen.

Not everyone is there yet, and Jensen looks around the somber faces and wonders who those backpacks belong to, and how many more will follow. 

Genevieve is sitting with her knees drawn against her chest, face smeared with tears, and her face crumbles when she sees Jared, more tears falling down.

"Go," Jensen urges, gently pushing Jared, and Jared goes to sit down next to her, pulling her close.

Matt and Chad are there as well, as are Jeff and Danneel. Jensen feels his heart thud heavily in his chest, and he meets Jeff's eyes just like he did yesterday morning.

"Let's wait until everyone is here," Jensen decides and sits down next to Jeff.

Genevieve and Jared are whispering, Jared's arms still around Genevieve and he looks upset, eyes darting up to look at Chad and Matt across the table. Jensen knows then who the backpacks belong to, and his heart goes out to Jared.

"Everyone's here," Jeff says in a quiet voice, looking torn, and Jensen looks away from Jared to find Katie, Adrianne, and Misha come in together. Like the rest of them, their expressions are serious, sad, and Jensen swallows.

"So, I guess everyone's decided," he says finally, and there are small, barely-there nods.

"Jensen and I are staying," Jared says, clearing his throat, and he meets Jensen's eyes. Jensen gives him a small, reassuring nod.

Genevieve slumps against Jared, wiping her face with the back of her hand. "Me too," she says. "I wanna stay here, too."

"Matt and I are leaving. We talked about it last night, and we both want to give this camp a shot," Chad says next, sounding pained, and Genevieve's breath hitches again. 

"Jeff?" Jensen prompts and holds his breath.

"Staying," Jeff says and gives him a small smile. "Danneel and me both."

For a second, Jensen closes his eyes, feeling a wave of relief wash over him. He meant what he said to Jared – he was going to go wherever Jared was going, happily so, but losing Jeff or Danneel would have been tough.

He looks across the table at the others questioningly. "What about you guys?"

"I'm staying here," Misha replies, without hesitation. "This place is my home."

Adrianne runs a hand through her hair, blinking nervously, and Jensen can see her eyes shining with tears.

"I think I have to leave. I love you guys, I really do, but I'm gonna regret staying here. I gotta see what else is out there," she says softly.

It leaves just Katie, and she looks torn, looking around the table before finally settling her gaze on Adrianne. "I," she starts, and bites her lower lip. "I'm gonna leave."

Next to Jeff, Danneel lets out a soft, teary gasp, and Jensen feels his own eyes burning. 

They all sit around the table, unmoving, like none of them is quite ready to get up, to act on the decisions they all just made. 

This is it, Jensen thinks, they've made it this far, and now this is it.

+

The mood around the house is somber afterward, a silence hanging over them that Jensen is not used to. Usually, they're all bustling around, chatter filling the air. Chad, Adrianne, Katie, and Matt have decided to leave the next morning, giving them one more day to spend at the farm, say goodbye to everyone.

Nobody is making a move to do anything now, all of them sitting around and having soft conversations, hugging and crying. 

These people are his family, and it hurts to have them being ripped apart now. He knows that, most likely, they won't see each other again.

"Hey," Jensen says, catching Genevieve by the wrist when she passes him on her way out of the kitchen. Her eyes are red and a bit puffy from crying and Jensen pulls her against his side. "You doing okay?"

"Hanging in," Genevieve says. "Part of me still can't believe this is really happening."

"Yeah," Jensen agrees. "But everyone's gotta do what they think is right for them."

"Yeah," Genevieve says with a sigh. "I'm just glad you and Jay are staying. If Jared had left –"

She trails off, wiping her eyes, and Jensen squeezes her arm comfortingly. 

"You happen to know where Jared is, anyway?" he asks. "I haven't seen him in a while."

"I saw him go upstairs earlier," Genevieve says with a sad smile. "You know how he is."

"Hiding," Jensen says with a nod. "I guess I'm gonna go and find him then, see if I can help."

"You do that," Genevieve agrees. Jensen tugs her into a hug before pulling away and making his way upstairs. He goes right up to the attic, knowing Jared is probably hiding out in their room. 

He finds Jared sitting on their bed, back against the headboard and knees drawn up to his chest. Jensen hovers by the edge, searching Jared's face for a clue whether he wants company or not. Jared always pulls away from everyone when he's upset, seeking solitude and   
preferring to be left alone with his thoughts. Jensen is usually the exception to his rule, but Jensen doesn't want to assume he's allowed to just barge in and force his company onto Jared.

"Okay if I come in?" he asks, and Jared shrugs.

"It's your room."

"Jay," Jensen prompts gently, and then even softer, "Baby."

Jared's shoulders fall, and he runs a hand over his face. "Sorry," he says softly, and scoots aside on the bed, making room. He pats the mattress next to him.

Jensen closes the hatch softly, giving them more privacy, before he joins Jared on the bed. He worms an arm around Jared's shoulders, pulling him close, and kisses his temple. "How are you doing?" he asks.

Jared exhales loudly, shoulders lifting in a shrug, and curls up against Jensen's side. "Okay," he says. "I'm not surprised, really, it's just...I'm gonna miss them."

"We all are," Jensen says and strokes his hand up and down Jared's arm.

Jared sighs and turns his head, resting his forehead against Jensen's jaw. "Know what," he murmurs, "I don't want to think about things right now. Saying goodbye is gonna be tough, but I don't want to think about that until tomorrow. I just want to think about something else for a while, or not think at all."

"Okay," Jensen agrees softly. He cards his fingers through Jared's hair with his free hand. "What do you wanna talk about instead?"

"Dunno. Just...distract me," Jared says, voice pleading.

Jensen slides his hand to Jared's jaw, cupping it to tip his head up, and kisses him softly. Jared relaxes into the kiss, tension leaving his body, and Jensen tightens his hold on him for a second.

When they break apart, Jensen pushes strands of hair out of Jared's face and smiles down at him. "Hmm, remember that camping thing you mentioned?"

"Yeah," Jared replies, voice hitching.

"How about we do that soon? The weather's been really nice lately, warm enough to spend the night outside for sure," Jensen says. "And I bet I could talk the others into doing our chores for a day or two. We'll grab our sleeping bags and some food and get away for a bit."

"That sounds really good," Jared says softly and smiles. He throws his arm over Jensen's raised legs, hand curling around his knee, and shifts, his shoulder pressed to Jensen's chest. "We can make a fire and have sex under the stars."

"Hmm."

"And I bet I could make a fishing rod out of a branch and some string or something," Jared adds. He sounds lighter than before, happier, and Jensen smiles, listening to Jared making plans for them.

+

Katie, Matt, Adrianne and Chad leave early morning, laden with their meager possessions, enough food and water to last them through at least a few days, and knives and a gun, just in case they need it.

The rest of them stand on the porch and watch them leave.

"You okay?" Jensen asks Jared softly, and Jared nods.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am. I kinda get it, you know – this place, it wasn't right for them, not in the way it is for us," he says, and turns to look at Jensen with sad eyes. "I talked to Chad last night and he pretty much told me he was miserable here. They would have regretted not leaving. And I hope they all find what they're looking for out there, the way I found it here. With you."

"I hope so, too," Jensen replies softly.

"I think they will," Jared says, and Jensen reaches for him. He takes Jared's hand in his, fingers interlocked. They watch Katie, Matt, Adrianne and Chad get smaller, fade into the distance, and Jensen hopes Jared is right.


End file.
